Thanks To Penny & Kaytee

The Great Bell Chant (The End Of Suffering)

MOM'S JOURNEY OFF THE PLANET

My mom died one week ago, and the only thing I can bring myself to move today that isn't being run by my autonomic nervous system are my fingers.  I am inspired to draw, I am inspired to paint, I am inspired to 'do things' but cannot bring myself to even finish my cup of tea.  It's one of those days in the throes of a new round of adjusting life with a death.

This is one of the worst days so far.  I'm not young, my mother wasn't young.  I am relieved that with a body that degenerated in one month from being at home feeding her feral cats and hanging laundry (and yes, falling all the time) she is free from being unable to move or swallow to even be fed - she couldn't feed herself....she was bedridden for one entire month, 4 days after her 87th birthday on Christmas Eve.  My last phone call with her was the day before her birthday.  We had an actual conversation, she asked questions (about my standard poodle, Cheyana) and I asked her stuff, to which she had replies.  Then bam.

The caregiver was preparing her lunch, turned on her oven without looking inside for the stuff that old people might store in their ovens, and yes, it started a fire.  In order for the agency's insurance company to have a team come and clean the entire house from the soot and smoke damage, my mom had to leave the premises she occupied since 1972.  I lived there just out of high school, then again with my first daughter when I got divorced,  then again at the end of my second pregnancy while not married back in 1984, when it was still a moral crime to be unmarried and pregnant.

Fast forward to today.  Grief.  Writing.  Journaling.  All that.  I've written journals my entire adult life, and made by hand one journal at 14 after reading The Diary of Anne Frank.  My sister just found that journal when she and my brother cleared out mom's house.  I look forward to reading what my 14 year old 'little girl' had to say, dream and write.

Having late stage congestive heart failure and being too stubborn to take her meds to control it, mom was put in a temporary Hospice care home until her house would be cleaned up and restored to order.  If you remove an elder from their familiar surroundings and put them in a strange bed in unfamiliar surroundings, surprising and unexpected downhill turns can manifest.

That was a temporary facility and she 'wasn't of a terminal condition', and she seemed to be getting weaker so through extensive bureaucratic hoop jumping by my sister and brother, they got her placed in a dementia care 'end of life' group home.  It was a nice place, actually.  There, she just got weaker by the day, had to be fed, her meds crushed and given in applesauce, and placed in adult diapers, unable to get up to use bathroom or take showers.  She couldn't even sit up.  It was then my younger daughter and I went back to visit, as my sister said the nurses say she doesn't have much time left.
It was a very good visit, as my mom was more alert than she had been during our time, and it was both emotional, touching and horrifying simultaneously to see this once vital woman 'dying all of our worst nightmare'.  She had 'episodes' of feeling like she was falling and having some God awful hallucination and shook, grabbing the bed and window frame and crying out with closed eyes.  Either my daughter or my brother would hold her hands and talk her through it.  I would say "breath mama, breath through your nose to get oxygen, like this...." - and I'd take deep breaths to show her.  That seemed to alleviate her nightmare through one or two, but once it lasted so long, and to watch this happen effected me in a way I cannot put words to, but cry at the memory as I type this.  Thank GOD that is over.  Thank GOD she had the where-with-all back when she was cognizant to sign the DNR form and the form to not sustain her life through any artificial means.

One month to the day she was removed from her home, she died.  The degeneration 'curve' was not a curve at all, but rather a vertical line going straight down.  After our visit, during which we brought her her beloved iced coffee from Starbucks - that was a good day - she could no longer swallow.  It would be at this juncture that they'd surgically install a feeding tube had she not signed that paper.
It was also at this juncture they began giving by mouth liquid morphine, as the pain of this stage is pretty intense.  My daughter & I were back home at this stage, and she was on the morphine for only two days when she began her final transition.  My sister sat with her throughout her last day on the planet.  She writhed in the bed, clearly and literally coming out of her skin, her body.  The nurse and chaplin both told my sister that her spirit was trying to leave her body.

Fortunately, I had a two or three hour time to myself with her one evening during our short visit.  I changed the blaring TV channel to Animal Planet and turned the sound down and dimmed the lights.  My mom glanced at the TV and got a smile and said, "ah, nature"  She needed to see that.  I played healing music and the Gayatri Mantra for her from You Tube and sang along with both.  This changed the energy of the room and brought about some ease.  I had a chance to do some energy work and frequency balancing to also bestow ease so she could be 'cleared for take off' - I'd hoped she would pass through that night, but Divine timing isn't something that happens when we wish it to.

When my sissy sat with her that last day, we were on the phone, and she put the phone on speaker and I did get to tell my mommy that I love her, that she did well with her kids, and dad was waiting for her.  "I love you mommy" - it was the gift my sister got to have that she said was beyond words, to witness our mother's hard work to disengage from that broken old body.

Blog A Day: Day 16

Evening Time

Between the worlds of light and dark, our sphere rolls us from a hot late spring day into the coolness of the evening.  My favorite times are those between lightness and the dark, be it sun up or sun down.

Day 3 of the walk was certainly not without challenge.  Not being on the ice in my skates for several months, and out taking a simple 1 mile walk on a country road, my left knee decided to scream for attention without having an injurious event occur.

I was also up the entire night with the puppy who, as it turns out, has a bacterial infection and THAT carries with it diarrhea of the worst and most profuse kind.  Every hour throughout the night I had to let him out, and that one brief interval where slumber overtook me, he went by the door to go out and couldn't wait for me to realize it and let him out.

At 4 a.m. I am cleaning the worst mess which, luckily is on my bamboo floor and not my wool carpet.  Poor little baby.  We went to a friend's last Friday and he found some running water to play in, and before I could scoop him out, he took a big long drink of it and I yelled, "NOOOOOOO, giardia!!!!!!"  As I had a bout of that with my standard when she was a wee pup and it almost killed her before it was properly diagnosed, I could just sense this was going to happen.  My amazing dogtor at Sierra Animal Wellness Clinic and Chayla, her tech, did the tests and diagnosis.  Cheyana is clear thankfully.  Puppy Easton is now on antibiotics, had a shot and a syringe full of a medication by mouth to restore gut health.  The little guy is a fighter, unlike my standard, and to 'pill him' is going to be no simple feat.

So in an almost hallucinatory state from sleep deprivation and the constant activity of cleaning him up, the walk tonight was a true challenge.  BUT, we are up for the challenge and the walk IS beautiful.  The screaming knee was wrapped for support, and I will begin doing my former physical therapy exercises for both knees that I did awhile back.

I'm playing Solfeggio frequencies for digestive tract healing for both poodles as we settle in for a peaceful evening.

Day 2 Walk Challenge/Day 14 Writing Challenge

Day 2 Brisk Walk / 14 Blogs

Great morning for the first walk with the puppy, as Cheyana's elbow injury/condition prohibits her from even a short walk these days.  My route is a lovely dirt road with long, gentle grades so I get a good cardio and a bit of a sweat going.  The destination is a shaded, historic wooden bridge over a fast running creek.  It couldn't be a better walk out in nature except for perhaps by the ocean.

Little Easton not only keeps up, but wants to run, something I'll work up to doing, but currently, a brisk walk is my level.  Breathology work during the walk, inhaling the energy of the trees and exhaling any stresses.  Life is good.

Yesterday's walk was without the pup, and not near as much fun, for as https://darrenhardy.com/ says, "it's more fun to walk/run with a friend" - and human's best friend, the canine, is a noble companion.

After grandson Jaxon's baseball game last night, I was behind a county Sheriff who was turning onto the freeway and noticed his clipboard on the roof of his SUV, paper flapping.  When he entered the freeway it slid off onto the road and he didn't notice this.  As we were in the right lane, I was able to pull off and run back to retrieve it.  The department's building is close to my neighborhood so I was able to drive there and leave it with a sheriff in the parking lot.  He chuckled and said he thought he knew who's it was and thanked me.  My good deed after a busy day in service to the grandchildren - to & fro school pick ups, driving another contact lens to the eldest in the middle of the day and ending the day with the baseball game. Good thing the day started with a great meditation and the first walk of the 90 day challenge.

I remember the days of my own single mothering years, reflecting and realizing why I never seemed to be able to get any idea for a business off the ground.  A child frequently needs something brought to school after they're already dropped off, or forgets something on the way to school, causing a turn around and in my case, being late and subsequently fired from jobs for having to retrieve the child's homework or some other thing they forgot.  

Single parenting is, in my opinion, one of the most challenging paths one can trek in this life.  I am now a single grandparent, and so thankful that both my daughters raise their own children; unlike so many my age who's adult children for one reason or another have left this responsibility to their parent(s).  I couldn't IMAGINE being a full time grandmother/parent, although, if the situation called for it through some tragedy, I would rise to the occasion.  

My 'next door' granddaughter, Ruby told me recently, "Ima, you're like my other parent, like a dad, because you're the one that helps mom raise us and you're always here for us."  That sure touched my heart, but then again, children, grandchildren, old dogs and puppies all have that magical ability to touch the heart.  

DAY 11 of 30 Day Writing Challenge

A-BLOG-A-DAY

I have successfully written a blog a day for 11 days of my 30 day challenge!  One day I missed due to being off-line, and wrote two the next day.  Last night, as I began to write, the internet went out during an electrical storm, so this will be the first of TWO blogs today.  My literary line is flowing!

Life seems to be flowing on a higher vibration since my daughter Brandy came over and re-arranged my furniture to create the right feng shui flow.  I've written about this already, and won't repeat the entire story, but am just reiterating that 12 days later, the flow is still going and it's only picking up momentum.

As I watch Darren Hardy's "Darren Daily" mentoring - which are 5-7 minute morning talks that are always uplifting and gives new ideas or helps us remember good ones we forgot or drifted from, he has given a 90 day challenge of running one mile per day starting Monday for 90 days.  I deliberated over this, but decided to do it.  This will automatically increase my 30 day writing challenge to extend out 90 days and write each day the difference this daily run will make.

I've plotted my course in my car, and it's exactly 1/2 mile from a place off road to park my car to the wooden bridge that a creek runs beneath.  It's on a dirt road in the woods and it will also be a great 'hit' of nature.  I live OUT in nature, but running out in it will increase the 'vibe' and I'm rather excited to start.

I'm on Day 4 of using my timer to extend my time jumping and running in place on my rebounder.  I set it for 5 minutes, which may not sound like much, but before using the timer, I'd just stop when I got tired which was probably no more than 3 minutes.  So I'm pre-training for the run.  I also do stretches every morning and roll out on my "Bliss Balls" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxDeNPaNDTk) working that spine, hips and shoulders every day BEFORE that first cup of coffee.  And.....I've gone from two cups of morning coffee to just one.  I'm on a roll to strengthen my entire body so when I get back on the ice, I have something to work with!

DAY 2 ~ THERAPY DOG & WHITE BOARD

Cheyana Did So Well !!

We had a really successful, new experience.  Hanging out in the courthouse where juveniles and their parents waited to be called into court.  It was her first ever elevator ride - which she did well considering the strangeness of going into a little cubicle and feel it move.  Then we went to the area and although not many people were there initially, those that were appreciated having dogs to pet and ease their stress.

I was reticent about going, being so sensitive to energies of people, and Cheyana being so sensitive to MY energy.....but it was low key, everyone was kind.  I'm told by my tester/observer that there used to be fights and high stress but since they've been bringing in therapy dogs, no episodes of this nature have occurred.  

Cheyana enjoyed everyone's attention and I could read the people that would not want to pet a dog and could easily keep her from going near them.  But the sweet teenage boys there with their parents really appreciated my girl's attention.  As more & more people showed up, I took Cheyana and approached them asking if they'd like to pet the dog & introduced her.  Doing that once or twice, I sensed it was time to leave, as the seating was needed and I didn't want to keep going up to the same people.  Tomorrow we go to our final test/observation meeting at an elder care facility I am familiar with from taking my elder friend there for holiday dinner a couple of years ago...then we'll be ready to receive certification papers after my observer submits everything.

My WHITE Board

My eldest daughter suggested I get a white board.  She lives by hers with all the organizing she needs to do.  Running a business, household business and listing duties for the children and herself, it's indispensable.  I bought one sized for my own needs (hers is pretty darn big!) and low odor colored pens - I love to color code EVERYTHING.  Well....this was my first day using it.  I listed things on it that needed to be done that were swimming in my head for days, but once on the white board.....it was out of my head and magically ALL completed.  I highly recommend a white board to everyone.  With my desk area all set up and a white board - doing a blog a day is easy!!!  I also now set my timer for mornings on the rebounder and time spent on social media, and I am so much more productive!  I'm sure I will sleep better tonight having what was on my mind's to do list out and on the white board!!!

A BLOG A DAY

Sunshine Monday

Yesterday's RANT BLOG (I have several blog spots)  fulfilled the purpose of RELEASING the dark energy of the awful mood and depression I'd been hosting for too long.  It did feed on itself, eating my life. This was on the aspect of my productivity on the OUTSIDE, but on the INSIDE, despite feel flatlined, I was mining the gold of this state of mind, introspecting, going even deeper into my spiritual expansion and lifetime quest to "know thyself"- - seeking the solution by having repeatedly asked this guest of darkness WHY it was hanging around and WHAT was it's message. One can practice mindfulness even in a depressed state, and this state has a lot to teach the one feeling it.  I knew it was a time for inspired action, but I could not summon inspiration OR action, no matter how many attempts I had made, and I made MANY!

When my eldest daughter, my beloved next door neighbor called me and heard the flatness of my voice, she decided to come right over and continue the work of 'organizing & re-arranging' my entire living space she started the day before.

I live in a beautiful country setting that is a writer/artist's paradise, and although I'm a natural at these two crafts, I suck at interior design no matter how much I read about feng shui and attempt to apply this wisdom.  The cabin has a tricky lay-out to work with.  It was set up to accommodate me sitting on my butt, sinking into the loveseat and wasting my life online.  I had zero inspiration, as yesterday's RANT blog depicted clearly.  I was overwhelmed at any attempts to do this work myself.  My house was in a state of 'fuck shui' not feng shui.

It took all day, and I got great footage of Brandy working her magic.  Ruby, her 10 year old was a great assistant, making us lunch, being cheerful and helping move small things.  I watched (and helped) feeling my life transform. The darkness dissolved and in it's place excitement and inspiration came out like the sun breaking through a prolonged dark, stormy sky.

My cabin feels way more spacious, everything is cleaned, de-cluttered and re-organized.  I sit writing my first blog at my newly placed desk formerly in the other room piled with 'stuff to do'. It is now perfectly placed for me to gaze upon my kingdom that is my sanctuary which transformed into my creative studio.  

Cheyana, my standard poodle loves it too, because there's infinitely more space for her.

This is the full moon in scorpio time, which accentuates death and rebirth.  I used the fuel of my anger and frustration at how stagnant I felt, which was reflective in the interior placement of furniture, and how claustrophobic it made me feel, to ATTRACT the solution - namely, my very busy daughter to spend an entire weekend shifting both her energy by helping and my energy to feel worthy of someone to come over and gift me the exact thing my soul was crying out for. Death to stagnation, rebirth of MY LIFE & INSPIRATION!

I woke up this morning and as I opened my eyes, I SMILED!!!!  I saw my beautiful cabin arranged  perfectly, inviting me out of bed to begin my day with a lightness I've not known in a very long time.

I shan't be on FB except to post this, as I've got some actual LIVING & CREATING to do!!!

HOLDING MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW

DRIFTING OUT OF FOCUS

It's been TOO LONG since I've written in the blog?  WHY??...because I've drifted out of focus, which is a natural human tendency.  So rather than beat myself up over this, I'm learning how to re-direct
the monkey mind and use it to actually come back out of the woods, and get into the world through writing.

I've enlisted in INSANE PRODUCTIVITY, a workshop/seminar/course put together by DARREN HARDY.  It is insanely spot on when in the first of the 12 Modules it explains why we "drift" away from our intentions, goals, working toward our dream lives.  What I thought was a character flaw in my own psyche, turns out to be a basic human trait.....WHEW, how to you spell RELIEF!!!!

There are many self improvement books/seminars, etc. out there, and I've read/attended/listened to my share, but NO ONE addresses our innate tendencies like Darren.  The beauty of this course is Darren doesn't explain these things and leave you there, feeling relieved, he gives the tools, step by step to work WITH these traits and not have them continually sabotage our success.  Many of us think it's what happened in childhood, or something our parents did or didn't do...a host of reasons to mull over...but mulling over them or exploring what it even was doesn't have to be the path one takes to get back on the horse and go full speed ahead and actually REALIZE a dream we had....and how to make that dream be something we do more than dream about.

I realize this sounds like a sales pitch for this program...it isn't.  It's me writing on the day of my AH-HA moment of getting what my true direction is.  It came in a moment today, in the bathroom of all places (not some lofty hill with a view or a retreat in an exotic location) after mulling over just a few things that pulled together what I've been struggling with for years.

So I'm all fired up.  I can still DO all those other things I love, but the calling is to WRITE, WRITE, WRITE!!!!  ....and I don't mean replies on Facebook or comments in the online news (two habits that are my kryptonite!).  What did I DO before the computer came into my life?  I wrote songs, played music, painted and made detailed illustrations, wrote a book, journaled all the time, and had adventures OUT IN THE WORLD.

So I celebrate this AH-HA with writing in my blog TODAY, RIGHT NOW.
I am hereby holding myself accountable to NOT DRIFT FROM THIS AGAIN as I have done too many times. It's time to #BeTheException

EMPOWERING YOUR CHILDREN

Tools To Give Your Children ~ Part 1

Yellow is the color in the spectrum that equates to wisdom.  Hence, this blog will be written in yellow, as the mind absorbs that which is on yellow paper more readily, or using this color in the spectrum.

As a child, I was what I came to learn, "born awake" - all children are, but most are taught by societal conditioning through parents, teachers, all others to 'forget' this Divine part of ourselves, our psychic connection to the creative Source, stifle the intuitive wisdom that guides us in decisions and away from dangerous situations or people and to not listen to an inner voice or have 'invisible friends' - chalking the latter up to childhood folly.

Remembering more fully the memories I had as a child, I stayed in tune with that part of myself and it was the times I strayed from it I made decisions that did not result in an outcome for my highest good and brought about much suffering.  Bullied as a child for being 'different, smaller than the rest' and ridiculed even by family members, I began the long road of making fun of myself to make others laugh, for that was the only way to get positive attention, which I became subconsciously programmed to believe was 'acceptance' from others, including my parents.

Any time I felt good about myself as a child or young teenager, my parents said I "had a big head" or when asking them if I was pretty, their consistent reply was in an indifferent voice, "ah, you're run of the mill, nothing special."

Armed with this set of factors creating what there was no term for then, but now the term is called, LOW SELF ESTEEM, I made choices from the sub-conscious belief of unworthiness and not deserving success or happiness.

When I became a mother, I decided then and there, from that wee spark of wakefulness and that almost microscopic thread connecting me to my sub-conscious higher self that I would raise my child to feel good about herself and know she was a miracle, an empowered being capable of being or doing anything she set her mind to and wanted.  That decision lead me to the tools I needed myself to live this way and feel this way about myself, because words do not teach as much as living by example teaches.  In other words, I had to become what I wished for my daughter.  This conscious decision lead my sub-conscious to begin attracting the tools for a life of empowerment and oneness with my highest inner self, the ability to listen to my inner voice, how to go about that and trusting my intuition to guide me to make decisions in my best interest.  I knew I needed to give my daughters the tools I wasn't given as a child and to basically give her the messages opposite of what my parents gave me, for I was well aware of the results from the messages I acted out on given me by my parents.  (Starting with not blaming them but knowing that I incarnated to parents who gave the gift of teaching "how not to teach" rather than "how TO teach")  Those are entirely two different gifts which both serve two different purposes.

TOOLS:  learning the subconscious mind is at its most receptive between the worlds of wakefulness and sleep, I would go into my daughters room after they were put to bed and before they would be awakened in the morning and state in a soft voice: "you are a perfect and powerful soul in a human body" ~ "you are connected to the Source of All there is and are protected and safe in this world" ~ "you can be and do anything you set your mind to" ~ "your soft voice within you will always guide you to make the best decision"

MORE TOOLS:  Being a musician since a young girl, I came to learn the power of healing vowels and frequencies.  Initially I was lead to the ashram of Swami Muktananda and learned Sanskrit chants.  I was 'lead to' a book in the library (in the old days before Amazon and the internet) on Mantras and studied the essential wisdom of powerful combinations of ancient Sanskrit.  I began playing these mantras with my guitar every day and at night when my daughters were falling asleep.  My eldest daughter, now sings to her daughters what was her favorite chant I sang to her as a child.  

SPIRITUAL TOOLS:  When my first daughter was young, as many children, she loved to ask questions and many times just chatter to hear herself talk.  I didn't deem this a bad thing, but I did have a practice each day at sunset that it was "quiet time" and a time to "tune in with stillness" - not easy for a child to do, but also not easy for adults to do!!!  I instinctively knew she needed this tool to tune in with nature (what I called the powerful time between the worlds of day and night).  Through this practice, it taught her to tune in with nature and subconsciously, she would tune in with the movement of Creation, which is the changing from day to night, the movement of the earth within the Cosmos.  We started at just two minutes, worked up to five minutes and worked up to fifteen minutes so that it was a pleasant experience and not something she couldn't handle being a rambunctious child.  When administering such a practice, one must take into consideration the nature of the child, they are all different, and the point is to make it fun so they enjoy it and not resist it.  Enjoying something brings it into the sub-conscious, resisting does the opposite.

CHANGING THE FAIRY TALE STORY BOOKS:  Children love to be read those fairy tales.  Using my imagination and will to empower, I'd change the story as I read it.  Being the mother of daughters, I would never let the story be the female in distress waiting for the knight or prince to rescue her and her 'happily ever after' depended on her need for a man to save her.  I also did not portray 'the witch' to be an evil intentioned and ugly old woman in the woods, but a wise woman of power who lived in nature and helped people find their way or assist them on their path, or administer ease through use of herbal infusions that I'd just invent using my intuition when reading.

WHEN BEING A SINGLE MOM, HOW TO DEAL WITH CONSEQUENCES OF A CHILD'S NAUGHTY CHOICES:  Many times as a single mom, my eldest of the two daughters was the most firey and strong willed, and would behave in a manner that needed 'correcting'.  Many times I would be at a loss for how to do this without breaking her spirit.  I would never punish her or spank her out of anger.  If she angered me (which is really pretty natural with us being human) I would sit a moment and breath and call in the Divine, and utter silently yet fervently, "Heavenly Father, please come through me RIGHT NOW to address this issue for the highest good, I don't know how to do this and am an open channel IN THIS INSTANT to receive direction on how to handle this child so she learns the necessary lesson for her highest good"

I did this MANY TIMES throughout my days of single mothering.  Those moments I wished I had a partner/husband/earthly father to partner up with and make those decisions, feeling utterly alone for a few moments, I would then say the above and felt it with all my heart.  I came to feel that I was raising the girls with the Heavenly father as the earthly ones abandoned us.  I am not a religious person thinking of an old man with a beard who directed the workings of earth from a cloud in the sky, but called in the Divine Masculine to work with me, The Divine Feminine to balance the polarities, the yin/yang and "assist me" and work "through me".  It ALWAYS DID and would assist me with the next tool I am about to share.

WHEN THE CHILD OF A SINGLE MOTHER CRIES FOR THE EARTHLY FATHER THAT NEVER SHOWED UP:  I was married to my first daughters dad, but he chose drugs over us, and for our well being, I had to leave that marriage when my daughter was 18 months old.  As he sold off and hocked everything, I left walking, holding the baby, a guitar and a suitcase with no where to really go.  That said, over the years both my daughters had bouts of crying on their birthdays and other days stating, "why doesn't my daddy want to know me?"  This of course broke my heart in two, hearing not only their distress, but knowing they were forming opinions and beliefs of themselves as not being worthy of having a dad and that something was wrong with THEM as to why their fathers did not choose to be in their lives.  Again, I called forth Divine wisdom and intentionally opened myself as a conduit "in this moment" to channel the best response for their highest good.  The response came as follows:  "Your earthly father is a human, and as a human, choices that are mistakes can be made.  Your earthly father is under the influence of making such a mistaken choice.  But this choice gives us the gift of knowing our Heavenly Father, who is ALWAYS with us and who guides us to make the best choices, teaches us that we are powerful and beautiful children.  Although we cannot SEE this Heavenly Father, we can FEEL Him and know He will never leave us and we can always call on Him to guide us."  Sometimes I would continue, "If your earthly father knew you, he would want to be here with you, but his life choices as a human father have mistakenly lead him away from us" (I always said "us" not "you" so the child would not take it all upon herself in her psyche).  I have had to say this on many birthdays and other occasions and had to myself trust that this explanation I received as an intentional open conduit, was for their highest good to assist with pending abandonment/daddy issues.

I will close for now on the tools I have given my daughters so this blog entry isn't too long.  For the tools I give my grandchildren, I will write another blog, for they have a whole other set of life circumstances that include their parents getting divorces and being negatively programmed by fathers that are in their lives.  I must say that the tools/lessons/examples I've had to teach have been even more complex than what I have had to deal with in my mothering years of two young daughters.  There are more tools I have utilized, and after being asked about this by my Soul Sisters, I will create a Part 2 as memory of these tools are surfacing, and more will be coming in to share with you.  Thank you to all my Soul Sisters who have asked about this, giving me the opportunity to share vital wisdom that channeled through me as a conduit for Divine Wisdom. 

I do want to add one other important tool:

HEALTHY LIFESTYLE:  I discovered organic, natural foods in 1978 when my youngest was 2.  Back then, natural foods were not packaged or in abundance and took more work to prepare and even then were a more expensive food source than commercially manufactured 'crap' that I inherently knew was not 'nourishing food'.  I saw how children were mesmerized by packaging and commercials on TV to make them want that stuff.  Hence, we didn't watch TV (only Sesame Street & Mr. Rogers) and I worked and shopped exclusively at a small natural foods co-op in Tempe Arizona to get "food at cost" and develop a pallet in the child to like naturally flavored foods instead of becoming addicted to artificial flavors and sugar.  THIS IS KEY to start them out young.

I knew the first 7 years of life were the key years 'for programming' and after that, one would have to live with what they have put in to that child's psyche during those crucial years.

Introduction to the book: The Che Diaries by Ave Guevara

Dream Chasing After the Kids Are Grown

When youth is behind us, it may seem like we're "too old" to start new things.  At least that's the age-old belief system that's imposed on us.  It's our choice to believe in that limiting belief and accept the regrets that come with it.  As a younger woman, I refused to live by those limitations, yet am currently working with a tsunami of limitations that have recently crashed in on me. The phase of multiple limitations in the forms of severe depression, grief and despair due to major hand surgeries and head injuries, limiting my abilities to be self sufficient after a car crash initiated the first wave of despair and depression years ago.  For a time, I was able to overcome the despair, but it returned recently.  These limitations came later in life, and despite my rough beginnings as a young adult being a single mom, I taught my children to discover & follow their passion and live a life with zest and enthusiasm that brings joy, not guilt.  I specifically raised my girls to be empowered women, as my parents passed onto me their zero self esteem. To be the best parent possible I had to create a good self image and feeling of empowerment for myself so I could be an example for my daughters.  I didn't want them to suffer as I did from this, so I had to become empowered and confident despite interior and exterior obstacles, as one only teaches by example.

This leads me to the childhood dream being awakened within to figure skate.  At 59 I ordered my beautiful Harlick skates, began lessons and the "Coffee Club" skating group.  After my initial enthusiasm got me going, I had to have two more corrective hand surgeries keeping me off ice for 9 months, my close friend commit suicide right before that, so my momentum to skate slid into a pit of despair, depression, grief and now having to allow the time for my hands to heal.  The grief was not just the way my friend chose to die, but also for the loss of my enthusiasm to skate and loss of my zest for life.  Grief is the emotional and physical reaction to any big change or perceived loss. That zest for life always got me through exterior challenges and obstacles.  Recently, my best friend of 30 years just died of cancer at only 54, and another wave of grief sunk me into having no energy to get to the rink, I couldn't even walk my dog!

Only this week has my desire to LIVE rather than be like the walking dead enable me to get myself to the rink, walk my dog and feel somewhat ALIVE again! Enlisting the help of professionals I spoke to grief counselors as well as my doctor, so strong was my desire to work with this tsunami of despair and not let it sink me, for truly, my ship was sinking.  The feeling of tiring of the weight and darkness of despair, grief inducing emotions and all that it triggers within one's core, outweighed the despair and depression itself. 

The women of the "Coffee Club" at the rink are ever supportive and encouraging of me, never judgmental that I hadn't been consistent in skating as they saw my zest to skate disappear and I didn't skate for long periods of time.  Returning to the ice was more frustration than fun and I felt like an "eternal beginner".  More huge life lessons here, "allowing myself to have fun rather than be driven to accomplish, accept where I am in the present moment and be patient with my process."  In other words, CUT MYSELF SOME SLACK!

Allowing oneself to live what one has always dreamed of doing, be it figure skating, playing an instrument, writing a book, becoming a doctor, painter or ANYTHING.....after the children are raised, one is at that door of deciding to "feel like it's too late" or "it's now or never" - and do I want to live with regrets of not having given my dreams a chance to become my reality?  My desire to not have regrets has now outweighed my depression and grief.  Not out of the dark woods of that grieving phase after the death of a lifelong friend, at least now I get more glimpses of light through the darkness than the previous immersion in the darkness that was my reality. When I got to the point of preferring to die than to live, the turning point came.  Suicide was not an option, not a curse I would leave as the legacy to my children and grandchildren, but I didn't want to live either, so I sought help.  

I didn't have supportive partners, husbands or parents, but when I go within and attune with my heart and spirit, there lies the encouragement of the Divine Source that connects us all....and the wonderful friends that are in the "Coffee Club" skating group!  Just yesterday, one friend there told me about Connie Curry, so I post below, her story.

https://www.growingbolder.com/connie-curry-3047908/

Quote from former Imperator of the Rosicrucian Order

"True humility is not a sign of passivity. It is not a submission to the forces that oppose the essential needs of life, of self. Neither is humility an indication of personal weakness. The humble person realizes that there is no singleness to life. We are not isolated beings any more than a healthy cell is in a multicellular organism. Intelligent restraint so evident in humbleness is recognition of that Greater Self that must be served. 

This Greater Self is not an abstract, esoteric concept, or, a mere ideal. If humanity is a living social organism, then each human is a cell in that organism, the Greater Self. 

Aggression exercised solely for the needs of the Individual Self is a malignancy that can destroy the totality upon which all humanity depends. No aggression can advance us so far personally that we no longer need that sympathy and compassion which humility engenders." 

Ralph M. Lewis

Hallelujah - Figure Skating at its FINEST!

How beautiful is THIS?!!!

WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING?

The Blessings of Choice

Taking responsibility for one's own life and consequences of one's own actions without blaming or judging others or oneself is probably the most difficult of paths to walk in the human experience.

I am not holier than thou, or better than anyone else. I have simply chosen to take responsibility for the events that occurred in my life from my choices. Many choices were made in youth that had a rippling effect over my entire life. Some choices and effects of my 'filter system of perception' are actually handed down in the DNA & aren't mine at all, yet I house them and before having awareness of this phenomenon, thought it was "all me" - I still take responsibility for perceptions/actions/choices that are from the cellular level, aka "inherited" as this is another form of expansion of what is bigger than each of us individually, and is rather for the expansion of the collective of humanity, of which we are all part and all one within.

Hence, those that choose to live lives blaming everyone, everything for their dis-ease of free will misuse, I do not judge, but am here to tell you - maybe you should try something different, for after all, how's that working out for you? How's that working out for your children? Is your life filled with joy and are you teaching the higher road available to all humans through your example, or are you beating the ever tiresome drum of "how not to be" by your example and leaving a path of emotional destruction to yourself and others?

With so much information available, so many modalities of healing, so many avenues of wisdom at our fingertips, all it takes is a choice to refine your trajectory.

My father called me a "tramp" when I was still a virgin.
My mother hated all her children when they reached puberty, before that she was a doting, attentive and incredibly loving mother.
Both my children's fathers abandoned their children, one because he chose his addiction over family, the other because he and his family chose ego and blame over responsibility. This turned out to be a blessing, for to have had either of them in my life would have added conflict.

I got to make the choice to raise my daughters with the power of prayer, the knowledge of being part of a Divine creation that was bigger than an individual, organic foods, self-empowerment and being true to oneself. To not judge and to look for the cloud's silver lining, even if it DID mean comparing ourselves to people in war torn countries, for there were some mornings I had to count the blessing to my children that "at least no one is shooting at us" - so take heed, dear ones.....LIFE IS SHORT.

What are you teaching by the way that you are being? Are you being the reflection of the Divine force that is the creator of all there is? If not, it's not too late to start. Yogananda said, "as long as there is breath in the body, there is hope for enlightenment" - or something like that. One does not have to "attain enlightenment" in the yogic sense to be a good example to their children.

Are you teaching harmony and the power within or are you teaching what life is like when you choose discord, disharmony, dis-ease, dis-loyalty and dis-regard for other life forms?
Blessings on your trajectory, and prayers for your choice to experience the higher road.

A'ho

SKATING & THE ART OF PROCRASTINATION

To Skate or NOT to Skate
Or, to do anything at all or nothing at all, for however long one can get away with it.

Why do today what you can put off until the last possible moment?

Is committing to some goal and working at it one step at a time a better feeling than thinking about it, not doing it at all, putting it off??....the end of the day still comes around. 

Filing an extension on taxes that are really simple and not complicated, just because it wasn't 'gotten around to' and then waiting until two days before the extension runs out to get the money's worth out of said extension.....an ultimate procrastination mindset.

Buying all the best gear, signing up for lessons, courses, workshops, seminars....taking those lessons, courses, etc.....and then just stopping the whole process....over & over & over.

I don't feel the need to "have to admit to doing all the above" - not spilling my guts here to feel better about myself.  HOWEVER....a year has come and gone.  At the years' beginning, I had so much umph, so much drive, such amazing goals/dreams and chutzpah for skating/photography/recording music/revising my book/upgrading my website....(different years, different projects, but it's all the same, really) - and the Art of Procrastination seemed to have gotten really sharpened, utilizing events in my life to give me great excuses to lose momentum with all the above inspired activities.

The year passed.  I could have ....  oops...not gonna do the woullda/couldda/shudda thing.... because that's part of the Art of Procrastination....the reprimanding or beating up of oneself for the practice and perfecting of procrastination.

SO HOW DO WE WORK WITH THIS????????????
No one could start out on any project with more excitement and energy than me.  I know this to be a fact.  I'm like the fastest racehorse out of the gate, the one the teacher/coach/etc. sees to have 'great promise' - and I run the fastest on the track.  In the homestretch, the racehorse (me) just stops when she was clearly in position for 'the win' (the win not meaning to beat anyone else, but to simply continue to the finish, or the next step) - JUST STOPPED.

There is momentum in JUST STOPPING.  How ironic is that?????  What a helluva thing to have momentum in....in stopping.  Quitting?  I've never called it quitting, because I haven't considered myself quitting any of these activities.  I did finish the book.  I did finish writing/producing/recording the CD - and it is beautiful.  I got them all onto the website.  I took a course in promoting all of it.  That's when I stopped.  The marketing of the arts felt like the same old thing.  I did embrace marketing of it initially, but lost interest in taking it to the next level, as it seemed to be 'a formula' that 'everyone had to do in order to be a success' - so I chose to put down that drive to be a "success".  Why?  What IS success anyway?

Had I skated as much as I could this past year, I would have learned some fun stuff....I love my ladies at the Coffee Club - they are so inspiring.  I've watched a few 'beginners' who started out sort of like me and are now doing really cool stuff and I can still barely go from one direction to the other or do crossovers in reverse.  I still feel like a scared dork on the ice to be perfectly honest.

OK, this blog is getting pretty long.  I just wanted to share with you something that probably a lot of people are living with and not sharing with everyone.  After all, there's so many good procrastination jokes that it makes it less painful and actually funny to relate to it.  But honestly, I'm actually sick of it right now.  I refuse, however, to pay money on a course to beat procrastination, I have to let it 'run it's course - accept this - and it will transform more quickly.  Life was much more fun when I had consistent UMPH and got that album FINISHED, sat with my book & got it revised in two nights.  Kept at it.  Enjoyed the momentum.

OK, so this may seem like a pointless post, but it was inspired by reading my figure skating friend who HAS stuck with it and can now do spins, now do those fancy named maneuvers that I've spent the year dreaming about instead of working on on the actual ice.  So thank you, Christine, for inspiring me in some way....just by your being-ness, your grace, your consistence and perseverance.  You are a beautiful skater with an even more beautiful spirit!  

Learning to Skate Is A Spiritual Experience of Expansion

"Putting on a pair of skates and putting oneself on the ice will bring out any structural imbalance that remained hidden in everyday life of just walking around."  Is what a coach to the Olympians told me at the Salt Lake City rink.  She restored my resolve, which quite honestly was fading somewhat.

I've been on the ice since perhaps last May, on custom made Harlick Skates, the best of the best.  My right skate insisted on resisting to glide and I always felt like I would fall, and sometimes did, especially at my attempts at learning to skate backwards.

The frustration in this would have made anyone, including me, want to just give up.  There were days I would just cry on the ice because my dream of skating seemed to be sabotaged with this resistance that seemed out of my control to overrun with my sheer will.  Every skate session turned into a process of overcoming frustration with only brief moments of the joy I was seeking in this pursuit.  If I didn't have the world's most beautiful skates, I probably would have shelved this dream and just continued writing, playing my violin and my other creative pursuits.

But I don't give up.  Every time I wanted to just get off the ice, I'd make myself go back on with an even stronger resolve to not let anything stop me.  I would look at this process as a spiritual expansion, because it WAS.  To NOT GIVE UP ON ONE'S DREAMS DESPITE THE OBSTACLES.

I had blade adjustments several times, an assortment of coaches' advice and finally, the pro at Skatetown Ice Arena told me, after watching me skate that I have an ankle pronation and a sports podiatrist could address this with orthotics.  I promptly made an appointment and the orthotics are being made.
  
Meanwhile, as timing is perfect in all things whether or not it is what we think we want, not skating with my Coffee Club Goddesses weekly, I have been in the studio with my "Dream Team" - recording Mantra Music and revising the website, upgrading it to be a work of art showcasing all the aspects of my creativity.  I also had time to revise my first book, THE CHE DIARIES, and very soon the second edition will be available through Amazon.  This focused time in the studio has caught the momentum, free from interruption from my skating days to get my music promoted and is now #1 on the charts of Spiritual music in Nevada City, #4 globally and #5 Nationally on a site called ReverbNation.  The commentary on my music from those that have heard it throughout the world is amazing, and I invite you all to go see what I've been doing during my time off the ice.

I've also acquired a Nano, wireless headset and armband to hold the little technical device and loaded onto it all my David Garrett music that I have been listening to for months doing amazing figure skating routines to in my head.  Skating without music is like learning to dance without music - just can't be done joyfully and with the flow that music provides.

So I am READY for the day those orthotics go into my skates to get back out on the ice and FEEL THE GLIDE.  I am skating to not only pursue my own childhood dream, but to share this experience to uplift and inspire those who have raised children and put their dreams aside to do it, or even forgotten what those dreams are.  And one day, some day, I will be able to do a spin, a jump and one of those routines that are in my head, I will actually do on the ice!

OFF ICE, ON LINE

So it seems I was right in the middle of an enthusiastic pursuit of the childhood figure skating dream, writing on the blog about the spiritual and physical expansion of this experience when POW!!!!!!  I dropped out.  In reality, I didn't drop out, but prioritized those dreams into work-able order.

My second revision of "THE CHE DIARIES" was in process when I began the skating pursuit.  Coupled with that pesky resistant right skate, then the skating collision, there was a shift in my resonant field, and I had to focus on the work that it takes to get this book launched.  I miss skating, and tomorrow in fact I go in for a final skate adjustment, but these past weeks, my web-master, co-creative partner and I have scheduled studio time to "GET 'ER DONE!"  And getting 'er done is what we are doing....in fact this moment as I write this, beside me sits Sir Wizard working feverishly on the new website exclusively for the book, linking it to my existing website as his lovely wife, Shirl Spencer puts the images on and organizes the NEW blog that will also be called "THE CHE DIARIES"....Robbi is working like a madman and I'm detecting steam coming out of his eyeballs.

I cannot imagine pushing as many buttons as he does in the timing in which he pushes them, each push correlating to a specific task that if I just follow for one moment, my head spins.  I am in heaven here in the studio as when I'm on the ice, except I don't fall, collide with ice dancers or bust my ass. It also requires no padding for the various body parts that need protecting as I pursue the skating dream.

So, SHORTLY, folks, friends, family and fans, you will receive the link to the place on Amazon where you can order the beautiful new edition of the upgraded, sharpened up and amazing book that was my actual experience which expanded my spirit, my life, my vision...which has given me the umph to pursue not one, but ALL my dreams.  It has opened me up to the purpose of my life, and Robbi & Shirl Spencer here at SE Studios, with all their knowledge, love for and belief in me, are making every dream I have into a tangible form that I can share with you all.

Soon I will link you all up with the many productions that are created by this dynamic duo and my best friends and family, Robbi & Shirl Spencer, two very talented, kind and loving angels in my life.  So stay tuned!!!!

ICE CRASH

I DIDN'T SEE IT COMING!

The ice was buttery smooth beautiful.  Almost no one was at the rink with all the kids back at school, so it was wonderfully serene.  Only the Coffee Club Goddesses were present and few others mulling about.  I stepped on the ice full of sweet anticipation of feeling the new adjustments made to my skate by Phil Kuhn, maker of my glorious skates and president of Harlick Skates.  Ahhhh, the sweetness of anticipation!!!!

So on the ice I go, and my experience was met with the sweetness equal to that of my anticipation.  No resistance in that formerly pesky skate, I was able to feel the wonderful feeling of GLIDING with both feet!

All the women are wonderful, and every time I attend, my heart is refreshed by the friendships and encouraging support of each and every one of these amazing ladies.  I began working on what I'd formerly written in my blog of that "AH-HA" moment of committing to the edge by the way I held my body, taught to me by Jane Moody some sessions ago.  I just didn't have that 'feel' as I'd experienced during my AH-HA moment, but I was working it.

Karen, a beautiful 70 year old ice dancer, who's hair is always perfect, her make up always meticulously applied to bring out the elegance that she embodies,   took at least 20-30 minutes of her own skate time to show me details on how to execute what she saw me trying to do on my own.  I was so grateful, as I always am, when someone takes their time on the ice to show me something, give me a tip, etc.

So there I am, skating on one of the four huge painted circles beneath the ice, practicing this foundational skating move Karen had just shown me.

I didn't see it coming, neither did she.  Karen was skating backwards, ready to execute an ice dance move, so she was coming fast with plenty of power at a curve that prevented her from seeing me.  I saw it a a split second before the impact of our collision and there was nothing I could do to get out of the way.  We hit hard, I slid after we hit, both of us down.  I wasn't hurt, but to my horror, she lay curled up, unmoving, her back to me, her ice halo flying off her head.  Of course when anyone falls, all the others call, "are you alright?"  But their calls were met with silence from Karen and she remained unmoving, lying on the ice.  She impacted her shoulder hard, and all the women came skating over.  One lady helped me up, and several gathered around Karen.  Jayne, the coach worked with her, telling her not to move, don't try to get up and applied all her professionalism and experience to the situation.  I held Karen's ice halo, which sailed my way in the collision, and I also remained down on the ice.

Emotion and horror gripped me and I lost it, seeing her crumpled unresponsive body.  No thoughts flooded, such as guilt or any of those self-centered wonderments, only horror had me gripped fully in its embrace.  Gently, after some time, Jayne and some others assisted Karen to get up safely and get her off the ice.  Haruni held onto me and escorted me off the ice, as I was clearly having enough of a melt down to melt the ice!

The women were reassuring me that this happens, accidents happen, collisions happen, it's no one's fault, "It was not your fault, Ave," they reassured me.  They were working with Karen to assess the damage to her shoulder, which evidently was rather extreme.  "And tomorrow's my birthday!" she exclaimed.  "And now I'm going to miss my lesson with Chris in 15 minutes!"  But even Karen, in her pain reassured me it wasn't my fault.  Luckily, I had some ibupropen and offered it, which she took immediately.  I felt a molecule of relief that I could assist in some way, by having this medication.  

One of our very beautiful and graceful young women came up to me when I was emoting heavily and she asked if we would like to pray.  She lead a beautiful prayer to our Lord Jesus which brought immediate peace upon the circle as clearly, she is a being of light.  With her spirit and focus and the most beautiful prayer spoken with such depth, she was able to bring the healing power of the Creator that loves us all and knows all our needs even when we don't.  It was a very powerful and sacred time of all of us coming together within the light of Christ and the love we all have for each other.

Karen left after a little while, saying she was ok to drive home as she is right handed and the damage was to the left shoulder.  It was difficult to get back on the ice as I clearly had an immediate case of PTSD, but I made myself get back out there, and in honor of Karen, I made myself practice the precise exercise I was doing when the impact occurred. 

I fell two other times today, sustaining no injuries for which I am well padded and extremely grateful.  There were very few of us on the ice today and this remained the case.

Before going home, I decided to go to eat a full and grounding meal as I knew I needed something more than my usual diet of nutrition packed smoothies (due to my current jaw issue, chewing food is too painful)....I am grateful for the nutritional supplements one can put into a smoothie!

I just received a call from Karen, and indeed the bone that caps the shoulder is cracked!!!  She asked if I got hurt in the impact and we spoke some time of ice dancing, using edges, the collision, our instructors and our group.  It was a beautiful conversation.  Tomorrow this Goddess will be 71 and she is the most beautiful ice dancer, which btw, ice dancing incorporates difficulty levels that exceed the fancy jumps and spins the public is used to seeing figure skaters execute.  Karen will call me Tuesday after she sees the orthopedic specialist to let me know if surgical repair is required, meanwhile, pain medication is definitely in order.

This is my new family, my beautiful, graceful, thoughtful amazing group of women who care for each other and have a camaraderie I have truly never known on this level.  I am graced by God to have come into this circle.  In honor of Phil and these women, I am DETERMINED to win a medal in some competition, somewhere, some time, and when I'm on that podium, I will dedicate it to each of these glorious beings who have brought a new light into my life, a new upliftment to my spirit.  When I am in their company, I feel like I am truly home, where I belong.  

Thank you, my Coffee Club Goddesses and Phil & Ginger Kuhn, each of you are my hero.  

MY NEW COMMITMENT

The Outer Edge
Yesterday's skate was a bigger AH-HA than the one before, and it is my intention for each AH-HA to be greater than the last.  Starting to just override any balance/falling fear issues is liberating me and I'm  simply having more fun.  I'm pushing myself with each session.

I dared to crossover with the left over right.  This is similar to picking up a pen and writing with your non dominant hand and come up with something more than the scribble of a pre-schooler.  I dared myself to put that foot over the other one.  The session was just more fun, the mood of everyone more jovial than usual, or maybe it was just mehaving more fun and less fear.....FINALLY.

The 'other' Jane who coaches, gave me the best tip - on how to turn my body into the circle, thereby "committing to the outer edge" - when I tried this with my crossover, I FELT THE COMMITMENT, I FELT the outer edge of that skate as never before.....I leaned INTO it as never before and voile` - I didn't fall over!!!!!!  This was a glorious moment for me, and despite the Zamboni firing up it's monstrous noise signifying everyone off the ice immediately, I just had to experience this a couple of more times.

I am usually the last one off the ice anyway, but this time, I was exhilarated more than ever upon my exit.  This time also, my little granddaughter, Savannah was with me, all bundled up with blanket, my pink fluffy socks and a sack full of treats.  She ate the whole time and made friends with Brooklynn, a sweet girl of 11 who skates, her mom Jennifer is a hoot and quite an impressive skater.

For one who has decided to make no commitments to any other human, it is lovely to make a commitment to the outside edge of my beautiful black Harlick skates, which I fall more deeply in love with every time I put them onto my bare feet.  

When asked if I will start my granddaughter skating, I say, "No, this sport is for me!  If they want to skate, their mother can take them."