THE SKATING CHRONICLES

ANGER BEATS FEAR

Indeed, anger is more productive than fear and feels a hell of a lot better.  In this case getting angry AT fear got me some desired results with today's session on the ice.  There is SO MUCH to learn about what goes in to making it look easy and graceful and flowing like the pros.  Like when I paint holiday windows, I make it look easy because I've been doing it all my adult life and know how to do brush strokes like a dance.

Skating has highlighted these subtle issues of structural balance, as shared in previous posts, and I've been working with this a lot, and also having my coach from Heaven, Jayne Throckmorton, add to what I practice each time we have a lesson.  My stance emanates the stiffness of fear....fear of falling initially, and no doubt still in the mix.  But as with any technical art one immerses oneself into, it will bring up STUFF that runs on auto pilot in your consciousness that you can either work through or hang up whatever is bringing it up (in this case skates) and do something else.  I am choosing to perfect this thing.  This is where having OCD is a blessing, because like practicing violin....doing repetitive exercises is required to perfect ones own music, be it skating or with an instrument. It brings me pleasure to practice something over and over and over, and when I can't get it, a fierce determination is ignited.  This determination is a pleasurable force to work with.  A delicious fire!

So here I am practicing my T-stops.  I realize after many repetitions that I'm leaning wrong, like a scardy cat-I'm leaning forward like I'm afraid of it....I feel how 'off' my stance is, the feeling behind the way I approach it is 'timid'.  Then, I see a 12 year old do a perfect stop and how she leans back and it looks casual and easy and she glides to a beautiful, graceful halt.  THAT'S IT!!!!  Leaning back into it with ease.  My body wants to continue doing the timid stance and that simply will NOT achieve good results!!   I get PISSED at this ridiculous repetition of  scardy-cat, timid posturing and think "F*** FEAR - I'M DOING THIS!"

So I lean back.....it takes stepping up to some plate of ease....and yes, I am DARING to HAVE EASE and lean back into it and lo & behold - there's the glide!!!!  IT WORKS!!!!! I didn't fall!!!!   It just FELT AWESOME!

Moral to the story:  (oh, does there have to be one?)  But wait, there just is one naturally......Have you had ENOUGH of FEAR running some part of some show in your life, even if it is well disguised? Well, in the case of skating when fear was keeping me from progressing and FEELING relaxed in my stance, it was endangering me more than if I relaxed....it took seeing someone do it easily when I had been dissecting my issues with this, with a FIRM determination to get this....like the hundredth monkey thing - I did it enough times, feeling wobbly, unsure, insecure, unsteady---and all this unsteadiness had me unable to put my feet in the EXACT correct position, put my posture in the exact right position, put my weight and balance in the exact correct position to execute these moves.

I didn't get pissed at mySELF, I got pissed at the fear factor that was so settled into my cellular memory, it was all puffed up and like a big wall in front of me....but my DETERMINATION sparked ANGER at the fear and empowered me to get passed it and have a breakthrough.

I am so excited to get back on the ice and see where I can take this since my experience today.  Today's "Freestyle" session had many more girls than usual practicing major group routines for an upcoming show.  I COULD have been intimidated, but was not.  I did elect, however, to not attempt practicing my backward direction skate lesson, as there were too many girls doing jumps and axels and all that fancy stuff really fast going in every direction.  I had plenty to work on though and happily did so.  I've never had so much fun getting ANGRY, and it served a great purpose breaking through fear. 

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