Saturday, June 28, 2014



Indeed, anger is more productive than fear and feels a hell of a lot better.  In this case getting angry AT fear got me some desired results with today's session on the ice.  There is SO MUCH to learn about what goes in to making it look easy and graceful and flowing like the pros.  Like when I paint holiday windows, I make it look easy because I've been doing it all my adult life and know how to do brush strokes like a dance.

Skating has highlighted these subtle issues of structural balance, as shared in previous posts, and I've been working with this a lot, and also having my coach from Heaven, Jayne Throckmorton, add to what I practice each time we have a lesson.  My stance emanates the stiffness of fear....fear of falling initially, and no doubt still in the mix.  But as with any technical art one immerses oneself into, it will bring up STUFF that runs on auto pilot in your consciousness that you can either work through or hang up whatever is bringing it up (in this case skates) and do something else.  I am choosing to perfect this thing.  This is where having OCD is a blessing, because like practicing violin....doing repetitive exercises is required to perfect ones own music, be it skating or with an instrument. It brings me pleasure to practice something over and over and over, and when I can't get it, a fierce determination is ignited.  This determination is a pleasurable force to work with.  A delicious fire!

So here I am practicing my T-stops.  I realize after many repetitions that I'm leaning wrong, like a scardy cat-I'm leaning forward like I'm afraid of it....I feel how 'off' my stance is, the FEELING behind the way I approach it is 'timid'.  Then, I see a 12 year old do a perfect stop and how she leans back and it looks casual and easy and she glides to a beautiful, graceful halt.  THAT'S IT!!!!  Leaning back into it with ease.  My body wants to continue doing the timid stance and that simply will NOT achieve good results!!   I get PISSED at this ridiculous repetition of  scardy-cat, timid posturing and think "F*** FEAR - I'M DOING THIS!"

So I lean takes stepping up to some plate of ease....and yes, I am DARING to HAVE EASE and lean back into it and lo & behold - there's the glide!!!!  IT WORKS!!!!! I didn't fall!!!!   It just FELT AWESOME!

Moral to the story:  (oh, does there have to be one?)  But wait, there just is one naturally......Have you had ENOUGH of FEAR running some part of some show in your life, even if it is well disguised? Well, in the case of skating when fear was keeping me from progressing and FEELING relaxed in my stance, it was endangering me more than if I took seeing someone do it easily when I had been dissecting my issues with this, with a FIRM determination to get the hundredth monkey thing - I did it enough times, feeling wobbly, unsure, insecure, unsteady---and all this unsteadiness had me unable to put my feet in the EXACT correct position, put my posture in the exact right position, put my weight and balance in the exact correct position to execute these moves.

I didn't get pissed at mySELF, I got pissed at the fear factor that was so settled into my cellular memory, it was all puffed up and like a big wall in front of me....but my DETERMINATION sparked ANGER at the fear and empowered me to get passed it and have a breakthrough.

I am so excited to get back on the ice and see where I can take this since my experience today.  Today's "Freestyle" session had many more girls than usual practicing major group routines for an upcoming show.  I COULD have been intimidated, but was not.  I did elect, however, to not attempt practicing my backward direction skate lesson, as there were too many girls doing jumps and axels and all that fancy stuff really fast going in every direction.  I had plenty to work on though and happily did so.  I've never had so much fun getting ANGRY, and it served a great purpose breaking through fear. 

These skating sessions are on THE RECONNECTION HEALING BLOG because to have decided and taken consistent action to make my childhood dream be realized while still in THIS body, is a direct result of having consciously RECONNECTED every layer and fiber of my body/mind system with That Which Created All, SOURCE ENERGY, God, whatever you want to call it.  I've carried this dream all my life, to feel myself strong and agile and able to glide and dance across ice. To me this is a thrill.  I am granting myself that which thrills me.  Playing the violin also thrills me, but figure skating, is my first love, and my body is gaining strength, tone and shape in the doing....also, nothing feels better than to dwell within a bodily temple that is in peak condition and becoming a work of art in itself!  As in playing music, figure skating is within a field of limitless potential and possibilities, and I am thrilled to be playing with both, playing hard with the technical aspects of these arts is thrilling.  Mmmmmmm, it's simply DELICIOUS!

Saturday, June 21, 2014


Balance ~ Patience ~ Acceptance

What initially seemed like a blade needing adjusting due to a resistance on the right skate and the blade's tip scraping on the ice, not gliding with the ease as the left skate did, I have learned is a subtle tilt in the way I hold my body when I simply stand and walk.  Without figure skating, I would never have learned this about my structural alignment or the way "I hold myself".

The adjustment to the blade indeed lessened this 'resistance' - but my skating lesson yesterday uncovered this nuance in my structural stance.  TALK ABOUT FINE TUNING!!!!!!   And the interesting observation I made from my emotional indicator, was that in the uncovering of this, I felt my very first pangs of an assortment of emotions that included sadness, despair and hopelessness.  The usual joy I feel the moment I get on that ice was absent for the first time since taking this dream on into reality.  These emotions indicated I was indeed "on to something deep."

I am of course not only open, but willing and happy to learn whatever my most trusted instructor/coach depicts as necessary, and she was really into getting 'to the bottom' of what this right skate was telling us about an almost undetectable nuance of my structural balance.

Sparing the details, the point of this story I am sharing is about fine tuning one's connection with every aspect of themselves, physically, mentally, emotionally AND structurally!  Structural falls into the physical category, but my sense is that the structural alignment or misalignment could be a result of some long held emotion or belief that manifested in the way one holds oneself and moves through the world.  BALANCE is a very precise measurement of aspects of ourselves, that unless we focus our INTENT to fine tune our inner-most aspects, may never be perfected.

Like playing the violin - there are so many details of posturing and the interconnectedness of our right and left hands and other muscle groups resulting in a perfected sound and intonation, figure skating has the same elements starting with the feet and up to encompass our entire structure- the most undetectable nuances of our being and balance are beneath the beacon of observation and introspection to be fine tuned if we are to have EASE with our movement, culminating in a beautiful, artistic result.  Both endeavors require the awareness of the full body, from toes to crown, and its alignment and interconnectedness.

PRACTICE of what we learn each lesson is essential.  Patience with and acceptance of the level I am at currently, coupled with the passion I hold for both figure skating and playing the violin will see me through the moments of despair that "I'll never get it!!!"  But this also comes with holding onto my dreams, working them, and not comparing myself to those in these two fields that are accomplished at the art of these two very technical endeavors by the time they are 10!!!!

The emotional fall-out from uncovering this structural imbalance was intense, lasted two days and was quite unexpected. I am just now coming out of it.  It IS my emotional indicator system working perfectly, for in uncovering this structural nuance in my right foot, something very deep within my psyche that has brought on this imbalance issue that I was unaware of is uncovered. It's not that I now have to go diving into some unknown childhood issue, as it is about holding the stance to create the balance I am lacking on the ice right here at home in my room.

It's all about CONNECTING all the dots, being willing to see what those connections bring about, and fine tuning the very fibers of my being to bring about ease and balance on the ice and velvety smooth tones as I draw the bow down the strings creating a beautiful tone on my violin.   

At the end of the day, I am in deep appreciation that I have an exquisite violin that was my father's -  a very high quality Stradivarius copy from the 1800's which longs for me to utilize it's buttery sound capability, or my elegant black Harlick Ice Skates, that are the choice of the Olympians.  Appreciation is a welcome partner to the patience and acceptance I am expanding to embrace when it comes to how I feel about my beingness.

Continue on YOUR dreams, my friends, and don't let any limitations keep you from being happy.  Limitations, like all challenges, are tools for our personal expansion and contribution to humanity and the universal source.  We are not alone!