Saturday, November 25, 2017


Tools To Give Your Children ~ Part 1

Yellow is the color in the spectrum that equates to wisdom.  Hence, this blog will be written in yellow, as the mind absorbs that which is on yellow paper more readily, or using this color in the spectrum.

As a child, I was what I came to learn, "born awake" - all children are, but most are taught by societal conditioning through parents, teachers, all others to 'forget' this Divine part of ourselves, our psychic connection to the creative Source, stifle the intuitive wisdom that guides us in decisions and away from dangerous situations or people and to not listen to an inner voice or have 'invisible friends' - chalking the latter up to childhood folly.

Remembering more fully the memories I had as a child, I stayed in tune with that part of myself and it was the times I strayed from it I made decisions that did not result in an outcome for my highest good and brought about much suffering.  Bullied as a child for being 'different, smaller than the rest' and ridiculed even by family members, I began the long road of making fun of myself to make others laugh, for that was the only way to get positive attention, which I became subconsciously programmed to believe was 'acceptance' from others, including my parents.

Any time I felt good about myself as a child or young teenager, my parents said I "had a big head" or when asking them if I was pretty, their consistent reply was in an indifferent voice, "ah, you're run of the mill, nothing special."

Armed with this set of factors creating what there was no term for then, but now the term is called, LOW SELF ESTEEM, I made choices from the sub-conscious belief of unworthiness and not deserving success or happiness.

When I became a mother, I decided then and there, from that wee spark of wakefulness and that almost microscopic thread connecting me to my sub-conscious higher self that I would raise my child to feel good about herself and know she was a miracle, an empowered being capable of being or doing anything she set her mind to and wanted.  That decision lead me to the tools I needed myself to live this way and feel this way about myself, because words do not teach as much as living by example teaches.  In other words, I had to become what I wished for my daughter.  This conscious decision lead my sub-conscious to begin attracting the tools for a life of empowerment and oneness with my highest inner self, the ability to listen to my inner voice, how to go about that and trusting my intuition to guide me to make decisions in my best interest.  I knew I needed to give my daughters the tools I wasn't given as a child and to basically give her the messages opposite of what my parents gave me, for I was well aware of the results from the messages I acted out on given me by my parents.  (Starting with not blaming them but knowing that I incarnated to parents who gave the gift of teaching "how not to teach" rather than "how TO teach")  Those are entirely two different gifts which both serve two different purposes.

TOOLS:  learning the subconscious mind is at its most receptive between the worlds of wakefulness and sleep, I would go into my daughters room after they were put to bed and before they would be awakened in the morning and state in a soft voice: "you are a perfect and powerful soul in a human body" ~ "you are connected to the Source of All there is and are protected and safe in this world" ~ "you can be and do anything you set your mind to" ~ "your soft voice within you will always guide you to make the best decision"

MORE TOOLS:  Being a musician since a young girl, I came to learn the power of healing vowels and frequencies.  Initially I was lead to the ashram of Swami Muktananda and learned Sanskrit chants.  I was 'lead to' a book in the library (in the old days before Amazon and the internet) on Mantras and studied the essential wisdom of powerful combinations of ancient Sanskrit.  I began playing these mantras with my guitar every day and at night when my daughters were falling asleep.  My eldest daughter, now sings to her daughters what was her favorite chant I sang to her as a child.  

SPIRITUAL TOOLS:  When my first daughter was young, as many children, she loved to ask questions and many times just chatter to hear herself talk.  I didn't deem this a bad thing, but I did have a practice each day at sunset that it was "quiet time" and a time to "tune in with stillness" - not easy for a child to do, but also not easy for adults to do!!!  I instinctively knew she needed this tool to tune in with nature (what I called the powerful time between the worlds of day and night).  Through this practice, it taught her to tune in with nature and subconsciously, she would tune in with the movement of Creation, which is the changing from day to night, the movement of the earth within the Cosmos.  We started at just two minutes, worked up to five minutes and worked up to fifteen minutes so that it was a pleasant experience and not something she couldn't handle being a rambunctious child.  When administering such a practice, one must take into consideration the nature of the child, they are all different, and the point is to make it fun so they enjoy it and not resist it.  Enjoying something brings it into the sub-conscious, resisting does the opposite.

CHANGING THE FAIRY TALE STORY BOOKS:  Children love to be read those fairy tales.  Using my imagination and will to empower, I'd change the story as I read it.  Being the mother of daughters, I would never let the story be the female in distress waiting for the knight or prince to rescue her and her 'happily ever after' depended on her need for a man to save her.  I also did not portray 'the witch' to be an evil intentioned and ugly old woman in the woods, but a wise woman of power who lived in nature and helped people find their way or assist them on their path, or administer ease through use of herbal infusions that I'd just invent using my intuition when reading.

WHEN BEING A SINGLE MOM, HOW TO DEAL WITH CONSEQUENCES OF A CHILD'S NAUGHTY CHOICES:  Many times as a single mom, my eldest of the two daughters was the most firey and strong willed, and would behave in a manner that needed 'correcting'.  Many times I would be at a loss for how to do this without breaking her spirit.  I would never punish her or spank her out of anger.  If she angered me (which is really pretty natural with us being human) I would sit a moment and breath and call in the Divine, and utter silently yet fervently, "Heavenly Father, please come through me RIGHT NOW to address this issue for the highest good, I don't know how to do this and am an open channel IN THIS INSTANT to receive direction on how to handle this child so she learns the necessary lesson for her highest good"

I did this MANY TIMES throughout my days of single mothering.  Those moments I wished I had a partner/husband/earthly father to partner up with and make those decisions, feeling utterly alone for a few moments, I would then say the above and felt it with all my heart.  I came to feel that I was raising the girls with the Heavenly father as the earthly ones abandoned us.  I am not a religious person thinking of an old man with a beard who directed the workings of earth from a cloud in the sky, but called in the Divine Masculine to work with me, The Divine Feminine to balance the polarities, the yin/yang and "assist me" and work "through me".  It ALWAYS DID and would assist me with the next tool I am about to share.

WHEN THE CHILD OF A SINGLE MOTHER CRIES FOR THE EARTHLY FATHER THAT NEVER SHOWED UP:  I was married to my first daughters dad, but he chose drugs over us, and for our well being, I had to leave that marriage when my daughter was 18 months old.  As he sold off and hocked everything, I left walking, holding the baby, a guitar and a suitcase with no where to really go.  That said, over the years both my daughters had bouts of crying on their birthdays and other days stating, "why doesn't my daddy want to know me?"  This of course broke my heart in two, hearing not only their distress, but knowing they were forming opinions and beliefs of themselves as not being worthy of having a dad and that something was wrong with THEM as to why their fathers did not choose to be in their lives.  Again, I called forth Divine wisdom and intentionally opened myself as a conduit "in this moment" to channel the best response for their highest good.  The response came as follows:  "Your earthly father is a human, and as a human, choices that are mistakes can be made.  Your earthly father is under the influence of making such a mistaken choice.  But this choice gives us the gift of knowing our Heavenly Father, who is ALWAYS with us and who guides us to make the best choices, teaches us that we are powerful and beautiful children.  Although we cannot SEE this Heavenly Father, we can FEEL Him and know He will never leave us and we can always call on Him to guide us."  Sometimes I would continue, "If your earthly father knew you, he would want to be here with you, but his life choices as a human father have mistakenly lead him away from us" (I always said "us" not "you" so the child would not take it all upon herself in her psyche).  I have had to say this on many birthdays and other occasions and had to myself trust that this explanation I received as an intentional open conduit, was for their highest good to assist with pending abandonment/daddy issues.

I will close for now on the tools I have given my daughters so this blog entry isn't too long.  For the tools I give my grandchildren, I will write another blog, for they have a whole other set of life circumstances that include their parents getting divorces and being negatively programmed by fathers that are in their lives.  I must say that the tools/lessons/examples I've had to teach have been even more complex than what I have had to deal with in my mothering years of two young daughters.  There are more tools I have utilized, and after being asked about this by my Soul Sisters, I will create a Part 2 as memory of these tools are surfacing, and more will be coming in to share with you.  Thank you to all my Soul Sisters who have asked about this, giving me the opportunity to share vital wisdom that channeled through me as a conduit for Divine Wisdom. 

I do want to add one other important tool:
HEALTHY LIFESTYLE:  I discovered organic, natural foods in 1978 when my youngest was 2.  Back then, natural foods were not packaged or in abundance and took more work to prepare and even then were a more expensive food source than commercially manufactured 'crap' that I inherently knew was not 'nourishing food'.  I saw how children were mesmerized by packaging and commercials on TV to make them want that stuff.  Hence, we didn't watch TV (only Sesame Street & Mr. Rogers) and I worked and shopped exclusively at a small natural foods co-op in Tempe Arizona to get "food at cost" and develop a pallet in the child to like naturally flavored foods instead of becoming addicted to artificial flavors and sugar.  THIS IS KEY to start them out young.

I knew the first 7 years of life were the key years 'for programming' and after that, one would have to live with what they have put in to that child's psyche during those crucial years.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

The Horror of Hemorrhoids

The Curse of the Hemorrhoid 

When looking in the mirror they hold up for the birthing mother to witness the miracle of her body bringing an infant into the world, what is never expressed is during those moments of viewing awe, one perhaps doesn't notice their asshole being turned inside out, giving birth to a hemorrhoid simultaneously.'s just not talked about.  There is NOTHING glamorous about a hemorrhoid.  As menopause and monthly cycles used to be taboo to discuss, no less share, as eating disorders and mental illness used to be more stigmatized than they are now, the HEMORRHOID is STILL something that is just never talked about, but experienced almost daily, by those of us who gave unto another, the gift of birth.

I am hereby, bringing this out into the open, for your comedic pleasure upon which to be entertained and laugh, yes, at my own expense.  For I birthed two babies, and in fact, I was a conscious witness to the horror of seeing the non birth canal opening that was in the same image as the birthing baby and in close proximity - turn into what looked like a flower opening up before my very eyes.  The flower has two names....."ANUS"  and  "ASSHOLE"   Interestingly, if one wishes to call someone on their misbehavior or rudeness, they are often called this body part.  Whereas, I propose they be called a hemorrhoid instead.

Going to a physiatrist last week, OK, I didn't know this area of medical specialty existed either, but these guys work with head injuries, post concussive symptoms and the rehabilitation thereof.  So, when filling out the book required of my medical history, that they wanted to know if I had a hemorrhoid (check Yes or No) - I actually got intensely peeved and did not check either box, asking the front desk girl how can a hemorrhoid possibly be related to a head injury?!  (Just to be a smart ass)

When enduring the accursed most invasive procedure of colonoscopy 12 years ago, after the ordeal getting the report from the doctor, when he told me I had a hemorrhoid, it actually made me mad, because, well, it was proof that while I was sedated into not knowing, this confirmed he boldly went where I didn't want to know he did.  When this same doctor performed this despicable procedure again this year, I said at the pre-op appointment, "I know and you know that I have a hemorrhoid, and after the procedure, I don't need to hear that I in fact still have it."  There's just something TOO FUCKING PERSONAL about the intimate condition of my anal opening to have someone tell me about it, medical or otherwise.

Hence, I am WRITING about it and making it PUBLIC, as to utilize my own experience to de-stigmatize this condition that every woman who has birthed a child has....and with our population explosion...that's a LOT of women.

So, on this note.....we all share the daily routine of the bowel movement, and those of us who brought forth new life (or chronically constipated men that have strained their way to a hemorrhoidic condition) know the literal pain in the ass of excessive toilet paper use to wipe clean this area after said movement.

How many of you have taken to using moisturizing baby butt wipes because, well, toilet paper just doesn't get it when you have a hemorrhoid.  Or, for others, a moistened paper towel that isn't the cheap, rough quality could suffice. But safe to say, anyone reading this and laughing, KNOWS....even if they don't tell anyone.  God knows, it's not lunch sharing conversation, it's not something you just start talking about over coffee with a friend...."so, how's your hemorrhoid today?"  or --- "what brand of butt wipes do YOU use now that you've got a hemorrhoid?"  At Costco once, where toilet paper is the only thing I buy, the softest Northern brand, I was contemplating trying the cheaper brand that still touted softness and 3 ply, and an older lady said, "don't get that one, you'll be sorry."   She knew.  As an older lady, you just KNOW she wasn't stating what we all know and don't state - "your asshole will NOT appreciate the cheaper TP now that it takes 5+ wipes after your movements."

It is the unspoken curse.  What prompted me to write this?......taking my caffeine induced third movement of the morning and being disgusted with this aspect of my biological unit that, well, we ARE supposed to LOVE every part of ourself, "warts & all" - now THAT saying needs to be changed to "hemorrhoids and all" - because well.....I don't need to spell that out.

So, let's do a the comment section, do tell...what is your butt wipe of choice?  do you use the moisturized butt wipes to supplement your excessive toilet paper requirement and save your septic system (and asshole)?  Did you in fact watch the birthing of your hemorrhoid(s) when that baby came out?  And, last but not least --- how many do YOU have?????  I fortunately just have one, so my opening, thank God, doesn't look like what I hear multiples look like - a bunch of grapes!!!!  Furthermore.....if yours ARE multiples - I truly am sorry and highly recommend moisturized butt wipes.  

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Life & Death ~ Love & Hate

Symptoms of Life
The latest rock star just commit suicide by hanging himself right after his big show in Detroit.  Alone, depressed, maybe high on some drug that took him outside of his mind and heart, with no thought for the legacy of grief this one final act will leave for his beautiful children and his lovely wife, he does it.

He ends his fucking life.  So here's one of those that actually did achieve success in the horrendous industry that is music.  Here's one who HAD a partner and mother to his children that was still by his side.  Here's one who had two children he could provide every opportunity for in life because of his success, doing what he at least started out loving to do.  Obviously he didn't love SOMETHING - himself maybe?  Did the demons just take over?  Drugs ARE demons, and they DO take over.

For all those out there who are positive....the news is.....NEGATIVITY can come into your inner room of brilliance and douse that light.  I hated learning that, or rather seeing those words, because when I saw the text stating that, it hit me....I KNEW that but never actually believed it...didn't want to.  That IS a truth in the human experience.  A good mood can't outweigh a bad mood, it takes a helluva lot of will to work with the bad mood whatever form it's in - anger, depression, hopelessness, despair, grief - to hear why it's present and what it's purpose is for being there, ruining the day, robbing your joy - it comes over you like a tsunami and wipes away the joy in one sweep.  Whereas when you're in the depths of this state - joy does not wash over the darkness and light up your fucking state of mind.  Have you ever noticed this??  I have, because I work with it all the fucking time.

I'm writing from a very dark place today, with plans to go to the first Hospice Grief group meeting tonight because I need some more help with this.  I read the news about this rock star, who's music I've not heard (except for just now) because I'm just not into that music.....and in the article was a link to "the symptoms of suicide" and I clicked on that.  And yeah, I've got every symptom.
But ya know what - with bearing witness to the devastation suicide brings onto the children, be they young or adult - I would NEVER FUCKING DO IT.  I may be living my life right now or in those sinkholes of despair days JUST TO NOT have my children/grandchildren and some friends have to process that fucked up event that will be part of their every breath for the rest of their lives.

I won't say suicide is selfish, because I'm not gonna judge someone who's shoes I'm not wearing, who's mind I'm not in, but I won't leave a trail of destruction and an ocean of grief who's tsunami waves are then forever part of my children's existence because nothing is more fucked up than processing a suicide.  Processing a 'natural death' is bad enough, but a suicide is a different beast.  I've processed and am processing both types of death, and they're both fucked to process.  I'll be honest in saying I hate it.  I have days where I allow the grief process and the numbness or lack of inspiration to be present, I even sit with those difficult states of mind and ask why they are there and what are they trying to teach me.....but today, I'M SICK OF IT.  

I'm not daily crying over my one friend's recent death or my other friend's suicide or my ex lover's suicide or the grief over the loss of my family unit 12 years ago, the love of my life breaking up with me on the very day my niece commit suicide....having to move out of the home we created together, having the man who called my girls his children and my grandbaby "our grandbaby" - he traded all that in for a 'new set' of family, leaving me in the wake of rejection and just not giving a shit over how that made my girls and I feel.  Well, after all this time, and I thought I processed that shit out, the trigger got activated and it's kicking my ass.  I truly didn't expect THIS FUCKING STORY to show back up.

Grief sucks.  I am grieving for many reasons, but I think the core of my grief TODAY is for all the love I have to give being rejected and fucked with by the men that I gave it to.  And all the memes and books of wisdom about one door closing/another opening, that just wasn't the right person and he cleared the way for the right one - love comes when you're not looking for it - all that shit is just that when you're's just SHIT.

I'm counting my blessings which are many.  I'm not in a third world country being raped as I look for firewood.  I'm not a baby elephant watching in horror as my mama elephant gets her tusks sawed off by poachers....there's plenty of grief in this world that is horrific.  Despite that, I'm validating MY GRIEF TODAY.
I always did perspective checks so not to get lost in my own story, and have appreciation for my gifts - but sometimes the thing to do is VALIDATE our own situation and allow it to BE and ride the tsunami out, in whatever form that takes.  May anyone who's eyes are on this page be blessed with whatever blessing you need right now.  Like grief, blessings come in many forms.

Monday, April 24, 2017


Boomers Make Aging Trendy

Well the largest group of the population, lovingly termed "The Baby Boomers" (gawd I hate labels!) have gone and done it again.  I mean, why not?  They CAN.  There is now on social media of all sorts, videos of gorgeous women in their 60's and up (some former super models) talking about letting their hair 'go gray' - as they run their hands through long, lush locks of a silver streaked mane.  I've posted them on my FB page.  I'm in that age group, of course, so I was labeled from birth as a 'boomer'.

This was a cool generation in some ways.  There were enough boomers to shift the entire system to be what many wish for rather than the mess it's turned out to be from those members of this generation who dropped acid, dropped out, but then decided to join the zuits in suits who raped & pillaged every resource and is now in that 1%.  Yup, my generation--- and fat old man scraps from the generation that fathered 'my generation'.  So, rather than make a difference, they made a gaping gap of the rich and the poor.  But I'm not here to rant about THAT.

It's this trendy thing of the gorgeous women touting how they will allow themselves to 'go gray' - as if by not coloring their hair, they are some elite group that accept the aging process 'with grace' au natural, dressed in white, wearing gemstones and posing either on a beach or in a studio.  I have two words for this trend, "fuck that!"

The process of aging, as my younger groups of fans cannot possibly yet know, is NOT for the faint of heart.  It's an ass kicker, OK?  It's not about the color of your hair and accepting the loss of color that comes with the loss of collagen and the sometimes chronic pain from old injuries imposed in our youth that come back to haunt us.  The wisdom of Abraham-Hicks says all this is a 'belief system' -- that aging and all it's aspects that we see and experience every day is the result of the generationally passed down belief that to age sucks, to age is to have limitations, to age is painful, to age means your hair (if you have any left gentlemen) turns gray, white, or if you're lucky----a shiny silver that radiates light in the sun.  Abraham-Hicks also says it's a belief system that life sometimes absolutely sucks and we can choose to be joyous at all times.  I love much of the wisdom of Abraham, presented by Esther Hicks, but life is not about living in a bubble of joy in a rose garden - it's about self empowerment and cultivating THAT to get through these challenges.  These challenges are inherent with these lifetimes on this planet in order to expand our soul - which is the only thing we take with us when we depart this planet.  Get this and you've got a leg up for when your hair needs to be enhanced at your local salon and when you're dodging the arrows life is flinging your way.

My life has been a series of denying and defying belief systems.  What I am and have been from my intuitive sense all my life is now the material in all the best selling self-help books, made into memes on social media, and is the subject of the wealthiest key-note speakers.  I have one book that about 30 people have purchased a copy of, who's multidimensional material (a true story taken from my memoirs) is now also becoming 'trendy' and a subject more are intrigued with rather than judging as crazy.

My lifestyle has become trendy, yet I continue to live it out of any and all spotlights, not on stage and not presented to masses of people as channeled information from infinite intelligence.  I've eaten & fed my girls organic foods long before they were packaged, long before Whole Foods existed and made it trendy.  And I color my hair...actually my daughter colors my hair, as she owns a salon.  No box color for me.  

The lifetime embodied by my soul personality called "Ave" has gone through many shifts.  Indigenous peoples change their names after they go through these shifts - I didn't know that when 'something called me forth to change my name' (a few times).  The western mind calls these shifts mental illnesses, nervous breakdowns, mid-life crisis - and big pharm and the medical association have made trillions of dollars having everyone believe something was wrong with them and they needed their medications to fit back into the dysfunctional box called society.
Well, I never fit into that box, and furthermore, I made sure I never went near the damn thing.  Consequently I was never popular, didn't have a ton of friends, a big social life or a multimillion dollar brand with thousands of 'followers'.

As a single mom, I stayed home and raised my daughters, worked two or three jobs, painted holiday windows and did landscaping on the side so I could buy my girls new shoes despite getting everything else at thrift stores in those days.  My childhood dream of figure skating stayed in the dream scape, although I did play my guitar every single night when my daughters were settling in for sleep and wrote songs.  I didn't go out with musician friends to open mic nights, nor did I have the funds to go into studios and record all the songs I'd written.  (I have them all written and stored in a box).

It's now time to take out the song I wrote in my 20's when some news broke about 'the system and it's crimes against nature/people" and I was angry.  I channeled that anger into "The Message" - a song that I still remember the words and chords to and am going to soon record.  It will be the Revolutionary's theme song, and Che, my multidimensional counterpart who found me ten years ago, urged me to record it some years back, but it's now time to do it.  The words are relevant today as they were then.

So back to the title of this blog entry:  the aging thing and naturally colored (or uncolored) hair.  It's SO MUCH MORE then what these videos are touting.  It's about ACCEPTANCE of what IS and working with it.  The choice to color over gray is no big deal, or have a little cosmetic surgery......choosing none of these options and touting THAT is also a form of vanity.  So, again, it's about ACCEPTANCE and also about defying belief systems.  

There's also a thing that's sort of a big deal in some circles about grandparent's obligation to be the child care provider for the grandchildren.  The commentary from the public over a grandmother that doesn't want to be the full time babysitter floored me - they crucified that woman. Their commentary insisted she is somehow defective by choosing to have some time for her own pursuits and not be a full time caregiver of her childrens' children. I have two words for those haters and I think by now, you know what those two words are.  

If a person gave birth and raised children, when those children choose to have children, the grown up act of creating that child also comes with the grown up responsibility of caring for that child and not needing mommy to give up the fraction of the life she has left to follow the dreams she put on hold to be a mom, not have to chase small children, change diapers and continue to cater to their now adult children.  

The public seems to be in an uproar of an adult woman who actually dares to want to live a life that she put on hold to be a parent.
I adore my grandchildren and sometimes do babysit. Both my daughters knew before they had children, for I made the declaration: "I will love but not babysit grandchildren, for I must experience my creativity and life without having to continue the work of feeding and entertaining small children and continuing to put my life 'on hold' to do it."  My daughters honor this and rarely ask me to provide childcare, and it makes them as creative as I had to be when I was a young mother, because my mom didn't help me out at all, and my daughters' fathers both chose to neither participate nor assist financially.  

I, on the other hand, am happy to be available to my daughters, just not be depended on as a regular childcare provider.  It takes the fun out of being a grandparent to become a childcare provider.  Both my daughters are now single moms that are creative at caring for their children and balancing life/work/parenting.  

They both were married to their childrens' fathers, but these fathers will be another topic in another essay, when I do an "in-law" rant.  (Insert chuckle)

I have dared to buy myself custom figure skates and fire up the childhood dream to skate.  Doing this is a far better service to my children/grandchildren because they will have a mom/grandparent that is not a feeble old person that is dependent on them to walk me through the natural foods store, and it shows them also that it's never too late to breath life into one's childhood dream.  My grandchildren, by the way, love coming to the rink with me and sit in the bleachers and watch me skate with the other ladies of the local "Coffee Club" skating group.

My child raising was about setting examples of empowerment to my children so they could handle anything life threw at them, and we all know that life throws all sorts of character building situations at everyone - no one is immune.

And then comes the aging thing right in the middle of life.  The hormones seem to seek to destroy you emotionally from the inside out, and when you get through this, there's a host of stuff waiting on the other side of it to further kick your ass in ways you're too busy to consider when you're raising kids and enjoying a collagen firm body with naturally colored hair.  If you've got a strong character, you can flow more easily through this game of life even when you bump into huge boulders and fall into the assortment of sinkholes life presents to expand your soul.  It's about expansion and acceptance and daring to live without fear of the falls and the bumps and the gray hair.

So the object of the game is to pursue a life that includes prioritizing character building and illuminating your soul, because when the hair needs coloring, this is what you can depend on, THIS is what will get you through the physical challenges that come with a body that has been under the influence of gravity and bullshit, challenges and heartaches that come with living a full life. And if you choose to NOT 'let the natural gray' hair surround your face, treat yourself to the services of a good salon and do whatever it takes to feel good when you look in the mirror.  As humans, vanity is an aspect of our make up.  But as with all human aspects, moderation is key.  And when you're having a bad day and feel like holing up, then ALLOW yourself to hole up.  When vibrant natural hair color fades and collagen is replaced with wisdom, ALLOW the wisdom to guide you and allow yourself time to BE, not DO.

Now, if you want to read a good book on a multidimensional love story with an infamous revolutionary and me, and hear music that was channeled from the Cosmic Choir (no shit, all this really happened!) - check out my other website pages and buy my book and my CD.  This is not an ad, because I don't care if you don't.  I wrote that book and made that CD for the sake of doing it, and the sales from them, well, are not important to me, it was the living of these experiences that enriched my life and gave me so much more than money and fame ever could.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Dream Chasing After the Kids Are Grown

When youth is behind us, it may seem like we're "too old" to start new things.  At least that's the age-old belief system that's imposed on us.  It's our choice to believe in that limiting belief and accept the regrets that come with it.  As a younger woman, I refused to live by those limitations, yet am currently working with a tsunami of limitations that have recently crashed in on me. The phase of multiple limitations in the forms of severe depression, grief and despair due to major hand surgeries and head injuries, limiting my abilities to be self sufficient after a car crash initiated the first wave of despair and depression years ago.  For a time, I was able to overcome the despair, but it returned recently.  These limitations came later in life, and despite my rough beginnings as a young adult being a single mom, I taught my children to discover & follow their passion and live a life with zest and enthusiasm that brings joy, not guilt.  I specifically raised my girls to be empowered women, as my parents passed onto me their zero self esteem. To be the best parent possible I had to create a good self image and feeling of empowerment for myself so I could be an example for my daughters.  I didn't want them to suffer as I did from this, so I had to become empowered and confident despite interior and exterior obstacles, as one only teaches by example.

This leads me to the childhood dream being awakened within to figure skate.  At 59 I ordered my beautiful Harlick skates, began lessons and the "Coffee Club" skating group.  After my initial enthusiasm got me going, I had to have two more corrective hand surgeries keeping me off ice for 9 months, my close friend commit suicide right before that, so my momentum to skate slid into a pit of despair, depression, grief and now having to allow the time for my hands to heal.  The grief was not just the way my friend chose to die, but also for the loss of my enthusiasm to skate and loss of my zest for life.  Grief is the emotional and physical reaction to any big change or perceived loss. That zest for life always got me through exterior challenges and obstacles.  Recently, my best friend of 30 years just died of cancer at only 54, and another wave of grief sunk me into having no energy to get to the rink, I couldn't even walk my dog!

Only this week has my desire to LIVE rather than be like the walking dead enable me to get myself to the rink, walk my dog and feel somewhat ALIVE again! Enlisting the help of professionals I spoke to grief counselors as well as my doctor, so strong was my desire to work with this tsunami of despair and not let it sink me, for truly, my ship was sinking.  The feeling of tiring of the weight and darkness of despair, grief inducing emotions and all that it triggers within one's core, outweighed the despair and depression itself. 

The women of the "Coffee Club" at the rink are ever supportive and encouraging of me, never judgmental that I hadn't been consistent in skating as they saw my zest to skate disappear and I didn't skate for long periods of time.  Returning to the ice was more frustration than fun and I felt like an "eternal beginner".  More huge life lessons here, "allowing myself to have fun rather than be driven to accomplish, accept where I am in the present moment and be patient with my process."  In other words, CUT MYSELF SOME SLACK!

Allowing oneself to live what one has always dreamed of doing, be it figure skating, playing an instrument, writing a book, becoming a doctor, painter or ANYTHING.....after the children are raised, one is at that door of deciding to "feel like it's too late" or "it's now or never" - and do I want to live with regrets of not having given my dreams a chance to become my reality?  My desire to not have regrets has now outweighed my depression and grief.  Not out of the dark woods of that grieving phase after the death of a lifelong friend, at least now I get more glimpses of light through the darkness than the previous immersion in the darkness that was my reality. When I got to the point of preferring to die than to live, the turning point came.  Suicide was not an option, not a curse I would leave as the legacy to my children and grandchildren, but I didn't want to live either, so I sought help.  

I didn't have supportive partners, husbands or parents, but when I go within and attune with my heart and spirit, there lies the encouragement of the Divine Source that connects us all....and the wonderful friends that are in the "Coffee Club" skating group!  Just yesterday, one friend there told me about Connie Curry, so I post below, her story.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Quote from former Imperator of the Rosicrucian Order

"True humility is not a sign of passivity. It is not a submission to the forces that oppose the essential needs of life, of self. Neither is humility an indication of personal weakness. The humble person realizes that there is no singleness to life. We are not isolated beings any more than a healthy cell is in a multicellular organism. Intelligent restraint so evident in humbleness is recognition of that Greater Self that must be served. 

This Greater Self is not an abstract, esoteric concept, or, a mere ideal. If humanity is a living social organism, then each human is a cell in that organism, the Greater Self. 

Aggression exercised solely for the needs of the Individual Self is a malignancy that can destroy the totality upon which all humanity depends. No aggression can advance us so far personally that we no longer need that sympathy and compassion which humility engenders." 

Ralph M. Lewis