Saturday, March 18, 2017

Dream Chasing After the Kids Are Grown

When youth is behind us, it may seem like we're "too old" to start new things.  At least that's the age-old belief system that's imposed on us.  It's our choice to believe in that limiting belief and accept the regrets that come with it.  As a younger woman, I refused to live by those limitations, yet am currently working with a tsunami of limitations that have recently crashed in on me. The phase of multiple limitations in the forms of severe depression, grief and despair due to major hand surgeries and head injuries, limiting my abilities to be self sufficient after a car crash initiated the first wave of despair and depression years ago.  For a time, I was able to overcome the despair, but it returned recently.  These limitations came later in life, and despite my rough beginnings as a young adult being a single mom, I taught my children to discover & follow their passion and live a life with zest and enthusiasm that brings joy, not guilt.  I specifically raised my girls to be empowered women, as my parents passed onto me their zero self esteem. To be the best parent possible I had to create a good self image and feeling of empowerment for myself so I could be an example for my daughters.  I didn't want them to suffer as I did from this, so I had to become empowered and confident despite interior and exterior obstacles, as one only teaches by example.

This leads me to the childhood dream being awakened within to figure skate.  At 59 I ordered my beautiful Harlick skates, began lessons and the "Coffee Club" skating group.  After my initial enthusiasm got me going, I had to have two more corrective hand surgeries keeping me off ice for 9 months, my close friend commit suicide right before that, so my momentum to skate slid into a pit of despair, depression, grief and now having to allow the time for my hands to heal.  The grief was not just the way my friend chose to die, but also for the loss of my enthusiasm to skate and loss of my zest for life.  Grief is the emotional and physical reaction to any big change or perceived loss. That zest for life always got me through exterior challenges and obstacles.  Recently, my best friend of 30 years just died of cancer at only 54, and another wave of grief sunk me into having no energy to get to the rink, I couldn't even walk my dog!

Only this week has my desire to LIVE rather than be like the walking dead enable me to get myself to the rink, walk my dog and feel somewhat ALIVE again! Enlisting the help of professionals I spoke to grief counselors as well as my doctor, so strong was my desire to work with this tsunami of despair and not let it sink me, for truly, my ship was sinking.  The feeling of tiring of the weight and darkness of despair, grief inducing emotions and all that it triggers within one's core, outweighed the despair and depression itself. 

The women of the "Coffee Club" at the rink are ever supportive and encouraging of me, never judgmental that I hadn't been consistent in skating as they saw my zest to skate disappear and I didn't skate for long periods of time.  Returning to the ice was more frustration than fun and I felt like an "eternal beginner".  More huge life lessons here, "allowing myself to have fun rather than be driven to accomplish, accept where I am in the present moment and be patient with my process."  In other words, CUT MYSELF SOME SLACK!

Allowing oneself to live what one has always dreamed of doing, be it figure skating, playing an instrument, writing a book, becoming a doctor, painter or ANYTHING.....after the children are raised, one is at that door of deciding to "feel like it's too late" or "it's now or never" - and do I want to live with regrets of not having given my dreams a chance to become my reality?  My desire to not have regrets has now outweighed my depression and grief.  Not out of the dark woods of that grieving phase after the death of a lifelong friend, at least now I get more glimpses of light through the darkness than the previous immersion in the darkness that was my reality. When I got to the point of preferring to die than to live, the turning point came.  Suicide was not an option, not a curse I would leave as the legacy to my children and grandchildren, but I didn't want to live either, so I sought help.  

I didn't have supportive partners, husbands or parents, but when I go within and attune with my heart and spirit, there lies the encouragement of the Divine Source that connects us all....and the wonderful friends that are in the "Coffee Club" skating group!  Just yesterday, one friend there told me about Connie Curry, so I post below, her story.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Quote from former Imperator of the Rosicrucian Order

"True humility is not a sign of passivity. It is not a submission to the forces that oppose the essential needs of life, of self. Neither is humility an indication of personal weakness. The humble person realizes that there is no singleness to life. We are not isolated beings any more than a healthy cell is in a multicellular organism. Intelligent restraint so evident in humbleness is recognition of that Greater Self that must be served. 

This Greater Self is not an abstract, esoteric concept, or, a mere ideal. If humanity is a living social organism, then each human is a cell in that organism, the Greater Self. 

Aggression exercised solely for the needs of the Individual Self is a malignancy that can destroy the totality upon which all humanity depends. No aggression can advance us so far personally that we no longer need that sympathy and compassion which humility engenders." 

Ralph M. Lewis

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Eckhart tolle - New born

Interestingly, this 'other half' that Eckhart refers to I had a more familiar association with since being a child.  I remember being more in tune with that part and the day I discovered my hands and the concept of "I" - that to me seemed quite foreign and this 'other half' was amazed at these earthly identification concepts.  

These videos presented by Eckhart tolle TV are amazing.  His delivery

of this information is very relaxing and 'absorbable' ~ I would highly recommend them if you are in the process of a 'shift' or an intensely difficult time either with your self, others, exterior events or any combination thereof.  

May you all be blessed at this time of accelerated energy embracing all humanity right now.  Awakening and the intent to walk the path of awakening is very challenging.  It indeed is easier to stay asleep with earthly, societal distractions, following the illusion of 'security'.  But sooner or later, awakening is going to be the focus.  

Saturday, March 5, 2016


The Blessings of Choice

Taking responsibility for one's own life and consequences of one's own actions without blaming or judging others or oneself is probably the most difficult of paths to walk in the human experience.

I am not holier than thou, or better than anyone else. I have simply chosen to take responsibility for the events that occurred in my life from my choices. Many choices were made in youth that had a rippling effect over my entire life. Some choices and effects of my 'filter system of perception' are actually handed down in the DNA & aren't mine at all, yet I house them and before having awareness of this phenomenon, thought it was "all me" - I still take responsibility for perceptions/actions/choices that are from the cellular level, aka "inherited" as this is another form of expansion of what is bigger than each of us individually, and is rather for the expansion of the collective of humanity, of which we are all part and all one within.

Hence, those that choose to live lives blaming everyone, everything for their dis-ease of free will misuse, I do not judge, but am here to tell you - maybe you should try something different, for after all, how's that working out for you? How's that working out for your children? Is your life filled with joy and are you teaching the higher road available to all humans through your example, or are you beating the ever tiresome drum of "how not to be" by your example and leaving a path of emotional destruction to yourself and others?

With so much information available, so many modalities of healing, so many avenues of wisdom at our fingertips, all it takes is a choice to refine your trajectory.

My father called me a "tramp" when I was still a virgin.
My mother hated all her children when they reached puberty, before that she was a doting, attentive and incredibly loving mother.
Both my children's fathers abandoned their children, one because he chose his addiction over family, the other because he and his family chose ego and blame over responsibility. This turned out to be a blessing, for to have had either of them in my life would have added conflict.

I got to make the choice to raise my daughters with the power of prayer, the knowledge of being part of a Divine creation that was bigger than an individual, organic foods, self-empowerment and being true to oneself. To not judge and to look for the cloud's silver lining, even if it DID mean comparing ourselves to people in war torn countries, for there were some mornings I had to count the blessing to my children that "at least no one is shooting at us" - so take heed, dear ones.....LIFE IS SHORT.

What are you teaching by the way that you are being? Are you being the reflection of the Divine force that is the creator of all there is? If not, it's not too late to start. Yogananda said, "as long as there is breath in the body, there is hope for enlightenment" - or something like that. One does not have to "attain enlightenment" in the yogic sense to be a good example to their children.

Are you teaching harmony and the power within or are you teaching what life is like when you choose discord, disharmony, dis-ease, dis-loyalty and dis-regard for other life forms?
Blessings on your trajectory, and prayers for your choice to experience the higher road.


Monday, August 3, 2015


To Skate or NOT to Skate
Or, to do anything at all or nothing at all, for however long one can get away with it.

Why do today what you can put off until the last possible moment?

Is committing to some goal and working at it one step at a time a better feeling than thinking about it, not doing it at all, putting it off??....the end of the day still comes around. 

Filing an extension on taxes that are really simple and not complicated, just because it wasn't 'gotten around to' and then waiting until two days before the extension runs out to get the money's worth out of said ultimate procrastination mindset.

Buying all the best gear, signing up for lessons, courses, workshops, seminars....taking those lessons, courses, etc.....and then just stopping the whole process....over & over & over.

I don't feel the need to "have to admit to doing all the above" - not spilling my guts here to feel better about myself.  HOWEVER....a year has come and gone.  At the years' beginning, I had so much umph, so much drive, such amazing goals/dreams and chutzpah for skating/photography/recording music/revising my book/upgrading my website....(different years, different projects, but it's all the same, really) - and the Art of Procrastination seemed to have gotten really sharpened, utilizing events in my life to give me great excuses to lose momentum with all the above inspired activities.

The year passed.  I could have ....  oops...not gonna do the woullda/couldda/shudda thing.... because that's part of the Art of Procrastination....the reprimanding or beating up of oneself for the practice and perfecting of procrastination.

No one could start out on any project with more excitement and energy than me.  I know this to be a fact.  I'm like the fastest racehorse out of the gate, the one the teacher/coach/etc. sees to have 'great promise' - and I run the fastest on the track.  In the homestretch, the racehorse (me) just stops when she was clearly in position for 'the win' (the win not meaning to beat anyone else, but to simply continue to the finish, or the next step) - JUST STOPPED.

There is momentum in JUST STOPPING.  How ironic is that?????  What a helluva thing to have momentum stopping.  Quitting?  I've never called it quitting, because I haven't considered myself quitting any of these activities.  I did finish the book.  I did finish writing/producing/recording the CD - and it is beautiful.  I got them all onto the website.  I took a course in promoting all of it.  That's when I stopped.  The marketing of the arts felt like the same old thing.  I did embrace marketing of it initially, but lost interest in taking it to the next level, as it seemed to be 'a formula' that 'everyone had to do in order to be a success' - so I chose to put down that drive to be a "success".  Why?  What IS success anyway?

Had I skated as much as I could this past year, I would have learned some fun stuff....I love my ladies at the Coffee Club - they are so inspiring.  I've watched a few 'beginners' who started out sort of like me and are now doing really cool stuff and I can still barely go from one direction to the other or do crossovers in reverse.  I still feel like a scared dork on the ice to be perfectly honest.

OK, this blog is getting pretty long.  I just wanted to share with you something that probably a lot of people are living with and not sharing with everyone.  After all, there's so many good procrastination jokes that it makes it less painful and actually funny to relate to it.  But honestly, I'm actually sick of it right now.  I refuse, however, to pay money on a course to beat procrastination, I have to let it 'run it's course - accept this - and it will transform more quickly.  Life was much more fun when I had consistent UMPH and got that album FINISHED, sat with my book & got it revised in two nights.  Kept at it.  Enjoyed the momentum.

OK, so this may seem like a pointless post, but it was inspired by reading my figure skating friend who HAS stuck with it and can now do spins, now do those fancy named maneuvers that I've spent the year dreaming about instead of working on on the actual ice.  So thank you, Christine, for inspiring me in some way....just by your being-ness, your grace, your consistence and perseverance.  You are a beautiful skater with an even more beautiful spirit!