Monday, December 16, 2019

My mom died one week ago, and the only thing I can bring myself to move today that isn't being run by my autonomic nervous system are my fingers.  I am inspired to draw, I am inspired to paint, I am inspired to 'do things' but cannot bring myself to even finish my cup of tea.  It's one of those days in the throes of a new round of adjusting life with a death.

This is one of the worst days so far.  I'm not young, my mother wasn't young.  I am relieved that with a body that degenerated in one month from being at home feeding her feral cats and hanging laundry (and yes, falling all the time) she is free from being unable to move or swallow to even be fed - she couldn't feed herself....she was bedridden for one entire month, 4 days after her 87th birthday on Christmas Eve.  My last phone call with her was the day before her birthday.  We had an actual conversation, she asked questions (about my standard poodle, Cheyana) and I asked her stuff, to which she had replies.  Then bam.

The caregiver was preparing her lunch, turned on her oven without looking inside for the stuff that old people might store in their ovens, and yes, it started a fire.  In order for the agency's insurance company to have a team come and clean the entire house from the soot and smoke damage, my mom had to leave the premises she occupied since 1972.  I lived there just out of high school, then again with my first daughter when I got divorced,  then again at the end of my second pregnancy while not married back in 1984, when it was still a moral crime to be unmarried and pregnant.

Fast forward to today.  Grief.  Writing.  Journaling.  All that.  I've written journals my entire adult life, and made by hand one journal at 14 after reading The Diary of Anne Frank.  My sister just found that journal when she and my brother cleared out mom's house.  I look forward to reading what my 14 year old 'little girl' had to say, dream and write.

Having late stage congestive heart failure and being too stubborn to take her meds to control it, mom was put in a temporary Hospice care home until her house would be cleaned up and restored to order.  If you remove an elder from their familiar surroundings and put them in a strange bed in unfamiliar surroundings, surprising and unexpected downhill turns can manifest.

That was a temporary facility and she 'wasn't of a terminal condition', and she seemed to be getting weaker so through extensive bureaucratic hoop jumping by my sister and brother, they got her placed in a dementia care 'end of life' group home.  It was a nice place, actually.  There, she just got weaker by the day, had to be fed, her meds crushed and given in applesauce, and placed in adult diapers, unable to get up to use bathroom or take showers.  She couldn't even sit up.  It was then my younger daughter and I went back to visit, as my sister said the nurses say she doesn't have much time left.
It was a very good visit, as my mom was more alert than she had been during our time, and it was both emotional, touching and horrifying simultaneously to see this once vital woman 'dying all of our worst nightmare'.  She had 'episodes' of feeling like she was falling and having some God awful hallucination and shook, grabbing the bed and window frame and crying out with closed eyes.  Either my daughter or my brother would hold her hands and talk her through it.  I would say "breath mama, breath through your nose to get oxygen, like this...." - and I'd take deep breaths to show her.  That seemed to alleviate her nightmare through one or two, but once it lasted so long, and to watch this happen effected me in a way I cannot put words to, but cry at the memory as I type this.  Thank GOD that is over.  Thank GOD she had the where-with-all back when she was cognizant to sign the DNR form and the form to not sustain her life through any artificial means.

One month to the day she was removed from her home, she died.  The degeneration 'curve' was not a curve at all, but rather a vertical line going straight down.  After our visit, during which we brought her her beloved iced coffee from Starbucks - that was a good day - she could no longer swallow.  It would be at this juncture that they'd surgically install a feeding tube had she not signed that paper.
It was also at this juncture they began giving by mouth liquid morphine, as the pain of this stage is pretty intense.  My daughter & I were back home at this stage, and she was on the morphine for only two days when she began her final transition.  My sister sat with her throughout her last day on the planet.  She writhed in the bed, clearly and literally coming out of her skin, her body.  The nurse and chaplin both told my sister that her spirit was trying to leave her body.

Fortunately, I had a two or three hour time to myself with her one evening during our short visit.  I changed the blaring TV channel to Animal Planet and turned the sound down and dimmed the lights.  My mom glanced at the TV and got a smile and said, "ah, nature"  She needed to see that.  I played healing music and the Gayatri Mantra for her from You Tube and sang along with both.  This changed the energy of the room and brought about some ease.  I had a chance to do some energy work and frequency balancing to also bestow ease so she could be 'cleared for take off' - I'd hoped she would pass through that night, but Divine timing isn't something that happens when we wish it to.

When my sissy sat with her that last day, we were on the phone, and she put the phone on speaker and I did get to tell my mommy that I love her, that she did well with her kids, and dad was waiting for her.  "I love you mommy" - it was the gift my sister got to have that she said was beyond words, to witness our mother's hard work to disengage from that broken old body.

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Blog A Day: Day 16

Evening Time

Between the worlds of light and dark, our sphere rolls us from a hot late spring day into the coolness of the evening.  My favorite times are those between lightness and the dark, be it sun up or sun down.

Day 3 of the walk was certainly not without challenge.  Not being on the ice in my skates for several months, and out taking a simple 1 mile walk on a country road, my left knee decided to scream for attention without having an injurious event occur.
I was also up the entire night with the puppy who, as it turns out, has a bacterial infection and THAT carries with it diarrhea of the worst and most profuse kind.  Every hour throughout the night I had to let him out, and that one brief interval where slumber overtook me, he went by the door to go out and couldn't wait for me to realize it and let him out.

At 4 a.m. I am cleaning the worst mess which, luckily is on my bamboo floor and not my wool carpet.  Poor little baby.  We went to a friend's last Friday and he found some running water to play in, and before I could scoop him out, he took a big long drink of it and I yelled, "NOOOOOOO, giardia!!!!!!"  As I had a bout of that with my standard when she was a wee pup and it almost killed her before it was properly diagnosed, I could just sense this was going to happen.  My amazing dogtor at Sierra Animal Wellness Clinic and Chayla, her tech, did the tests and diagnosis.  Cheyana is clear thankfully.  Puppy Easton is now on antibiotics, had a shot and a syringe full of a medication by mouth to restore gut health.  The little guy is a fighter, unlike my standard, and to 'pill him' is going to be no simple feat.

So in an almost hallucinatory state from sleep deprivation and the constant activity of cleaning him up, the walk tonight was a true challenge.  BUT, we are up for the challenge and the walk IS beautiful.  The screaming knee was wrapped for support, and I will begin doing my former physical therapy exercises for both knees that I did awhile back.

I'm playing Solfeggio frequencies for digestive tract healing for both poodles as we settle in for a peaceful evening.

Tuesday, June 4, 2019

Day 2 Walk Challenge/Day 14 Writing Challenge

Day 2 Brisk Walk / 14 Blogs

Great morning for the first walk with the puppy, as Cheyana's elbow injury/condition prohibits her from even a short walk these days.  My route is a lovely dirt road with long, gentle grades so I get a good cardio and a bit of a sweat going.  The destination is a shaded, historic wooden bridge over a fast running creek.  It couldn't be a better walk out in nature except for perhaps by the ocean.

Little Easton not only keeps up, but wants to run, something I'll work up to doing, but currently, a brisk walk is my level.  Breathology work during the walk, inhaling the energy of the trees and exhaling any stresses.  Life is good.

Yesterday's walk was without the pup, and not near as much fun, for as says, "it's more fun to walk/run with a friend" - and human's best friend, the canine, is a noble companion.

After grandson Jaxon's baseball game last night, I was behind a county Sheriff who was turning onto the freeway and noticed his clipboard on the roof of his SUV, paper flapping.  When he entered the freeway it slid off onto the road and he didn't notice this.  As we were in the right lane, I was able to pull off and run back to retrieve it.  The department's building is close to my neighborhood so I was able to drive there and leave it with a sheriff in the parking lot.  He chuckled and said he thought he knew who's it was and thanked me.  My good deed after a busy day in service to the grandchildren - to & fro school pick ups, driving another contact lens to the eldest in the middle of the day and ending the day with the baseball game. Good thing the day started with a great meditation and the first walk of the 90 day challenge.

I remember the days of my own single mothering years, reflecting and realizing why I never seemed to be able to get any idea for a business off the ground.  A child frequently needs something brought to school after they're already dropped off, or forgets something on the way to school, causing a turn around and in my case, being late and subsequently fired from jobs for having to retrieve the child's homework or some other thing they forgot.  

Single parenting is, in my opinion, one of the most challenging paths one can trek in this life.  I am now a single grandparent, and so thankful that both my daughters raise their own children; unlike so many my age who's adult children for one reason or another have left this responsibility to their parent(s).  I couldn't IMAGINE being a full time grandmother/parent, although, if the situation called for it through some tragedy, I would rise to the occasion.  

My 'next door' granddaughter, Ruby told me recently, "Ima, you're like my other parent, like a dad, because you're the one that helps mom raise us and you're always here for us."  That sure touched my heart, but then again, children, grandchildren, old dogs and puppies all have that magical ability to touch the heart.  

Friday, May 31, 2019

DAY 11 of 30 Day Writing Challenge


I have successfully written a blog a day for 11 days of my 30 day challenge!  One day I missed due to being off-line, and wrote two the next day.  Last night, as I began to write, the internet went out during an electrical storm, so this will be the first of TWO blogs today.  My literary line is flowing!

Life seems to be flowing on a higher vibration since my daughter Brandy came over and re-arranged my furniture to create the right feng shui flow.  I've written about this already, and won't repeat the entire story, but am just reiterating that 12 days later, the flow is still going and it's only picking up momentum.

As I watch Darren Hardy's "Darren Daily" mentoring - which are 5-7 minute morning talks that are always uplifting and gives new ideas or helps us remember good ones we forgot or drifted from, he has given a 90 day challenge of running one mile per day starting Monday for 90 days.  I deliberated over this, but decided to do it.  This will automatically increase my 30 day writing challenge to extend out 90 days and write each day the difference this daily run will make.

I've plotted my course in my car, and it's exactly 1/2 mile from a place off road to park my car to the wooden bridge that a creek runs beneath.  It's on a dirt road in the woods and it will also be a great 'hit' of nature.  I live OUT in nature, but running out in it will increase the 'vibe' and I'm rather excited to start.

I'm on Day 4 of using my timer to extend my time jumping and running in place on my rebounder.  I set it for 5 minutes, which may not sound like much, but before using the timer, I'd just stop when I got tired which was probably no more than 3 minutes.  So I'm pre-training for the run.  I also do stretches every morning and roll out on my "Bliss Balls" ( working that spine, hips and shoulders every day BEFORE that first cup of coffee.  And.....I've gone from two cups of morning coffee to just one.  I'm on a roll to strengthen my entire body so when I get back on the ice, I have something to work with!

Tuesday, May 28, 2019


Cheyana Did So Well !!

We had a really successful, new experience.  Hanging out in the courthouse where juveniles and their parents waited to be called into court.  It was her first ever elevator ride - which she did well considering the strangeness of going into a little cubicle and feel it move.  Then we went to the area and although not many people were there initially, those that were appreciated having dogs to pet and ease their stress.

I was reticent about going, being so sensitive to energies of people, and Cheyana being so sensitive to MY energy.....but it was low key, everyone was kind.  I'm told by my tester/observer that there used to be fights and high stress but since they've been bringing in therapy dogs, no episodes of this nature have occurred.  

Cheyana enjoyed everyone's attention and I could read the people that would not want to pet a dog and could easily keep her from going near them.  But the sweet teenage boys there with their parents really appreciated my girl's attention.  As more & more people showed up, I took Cheyana and approached them asking if they'd like to pet the dog & introduced her.  Doing that once or twice, I sensed it was time to leave, as the seating was needed and I didn't want to keep going up to the same people.  Tomorrow we go to our final test/observation meeting at an elder care facility I am familiar with from taking my elder friend there for holiday dinner a couple of years ago...then we'll be ready to receive certification papers after my observer submits everything.

My WHITE Board

My eldest daughter suggested I get a white board.  She lives by hers with all the organizing she needs to do.  Running a business, household business and listing duties for the children and herself, it's indispensable.  I bought one sized for my own needs (hers is pretty darn big!) and low odor colored pens - I love to color code EVERYTHING.  Well....this was my first day using it.  I listed things on it that needed to be done that were swimming in my head for days, but once on the white was out of my head and magically ALL completed.  I highly recommend a white board to everyone.  With my desk area all set up and a white board - doing a blog a day is easy!!!  I also now set my timer for mornings on the rebounder and time spent on social media, and I am so much more productive!  I'm sure I will sleep better tonight having what was on my mind's to do list out and on the white board!!!

Monday, May 20, 2019


Sunshine Monday

Yesterday's RANT BLOG (I have several blog spots)  fulfilled the purpose of RELEASING the dark energy of the awful mood and depression I'd been hosting for too long.  It did feed on itself, eating my life. This was on the aspect of my productivity on the OUTSIDE, but on the INSIDE, despite feel flatlined, I was mining the gold of this state of mind, introspecting, going even deeper into my spiritual expansion and lifetime quest to "know thyself"- - seeking the solution by having repeatedly asked this guest of darkness WHY it was hanging around and WHAT was it's message. One can practice mindfulness even in a depressed state, and this state has a lot to teach the one feeling it.  I knew it was a time for inspired action, but I could not summon inspiration OR action, no matter how many attempts I had made, and I made MANY!

When my eldest daughter, my beloved next door neighbor called me and heard the flatness of my voice, she decided to come right over and continue the work of 'organizing & re-arranging' my entire living space she started the day before.

I live in a beautiful country setting that is a writer/artist's paradise, and although I'm a natural at these two crafts, I suck at interior design no matter how much I read about feng shui and attempt to apply this wisdom.  The cabin has a tricky lay-out to work with.  It was set up to accommodate me sitting on my butt, sinking into the loveseat and wasting my life online.  I had zero inspiration, as yesterday's RANT blog depicted clearly.  I was overwhelmed at any attempts to do this work myself.  My house was in a state of 'fuck shui' not feng shui.

It took all day, and I got great footage of Brandy working her magic.  Ruby, her 10 year old was a great assistant, making us lunch, being cheerful and helping move small things.  I watched (and helped) feeling my life transform. The darkness dissolved and in it's place excitement and inspiration came out like the sun breaking through a prolonged dark, stormy sky.

My cabin feels way more spacious, everything is cleaned, de-cluttered and re-organized.  I sit writing my first blog at my newly placed desk formerly in the other room piled with 'stuff to do'. It is now perfectly placed for me to gaze upon my kingdom that is my sanctuary which transformed into my creative studio.  

Cheyana, my standard poodle loves it too, because there's infinitely more space for her.

This is the full moon in scorpio time, which accentuates death and rebirth.  I used the fuel of my anger and frustration at how stagnant I felt, which was reflective in the interior placement of furniture, and how claustrophobic it made me feel, to ATTRACT the solution - namely, my very busy daughter to spend an entire weekend shifting both her energy by helping and my energy to feel worthy of someone to come over and gift me the exact thing my soul was crying out for. Death to stagnation, rebirth of MY LIFE & INSPIRATION!

I woke up this morning and as I opened my eyes, I SMILED!!!!  I saw my beautiful cabin arranged  perfectly, inviting me out of bed to begin my day with a lightness I've not known in a very long time.

I shan't be on FB except to post this, as I've got some actual LIVING & CREATING to do!!!