Saturday, March 18, 2017

Dream Chasing After the Kids Are Grown

When youth is behind us, it may seem like we're "too old" to start new things.  At least that's the age-old belief system that's imposed on us.  It's our choice to believe in that limiting belief and accept the regrets that come with it.  As a younger woman, I refused to live by those limitations, yet am currently working with a tsunami of limitations that have recently crashed in on me. The phase of multiple limitations in the forms of severe depression, grief and despair due to major hand surgeries and head injuries, limiting my abilities to be self sufficient after a car crash initiated the first wave of despair and depression years ago.  For a time, I was able to overcome the despair, but it returned recently.  These limitations came later in life, and despite my rough beginnings as a young adult being a single mom, I taught my children to discover & follow their passion and live a life with zest and enthusiasm that brings joy, not guilt.  I specifically raised my girls to be empowered women, as my parents passed onto me their zero self esteem. To be the best parent possible I had to create a good self image and feeling of empowerment for myself so I could be an example for my daughters.  I didn't want them to suffer as I did from this, so I had to become empowered and confident despite interior and exterior obstacles, as one only teaches by example.

This leads me to the childhood dream being awakened within to figure skate.  At 59 I ordered my beautiful Harlick skates, began lessons and the "Coffee Club" skating group.  After my initial enthusiasm got me going, I had to have two more corrective hand surgeries keeping me off ice for 9 months, my close friend commit suicide right before that, so my momentum to skate slid into a pit of despair, depression, grief and now having to allow the time for my hands to heal.  The grief was not just the way my friend chose to die, but also for the loss of my enthusiasm to skate and loss of my zest for life.  Grief is the emotional and physical reaction to any big change or perceived loss. That zest for life always got me through exterior challenges and obstacles.  Recently, my best friend of 30 years just died of cancer at only 54, and another wave of grief sunk me into having no energy to get to the rink, I couldn't even walk my dog!

Only this week has my desire to LIVE rather than be like the walking dead enable me to get myself to the rink, walk my dog and feel somewhat ALIVE again! Enlisting the help of professionals I spoke to grief counselors as well as my doctor, so strong was my desire to work with this tsunami of despair and not let it sink me, for truly, my ship was sinking.  The feeling of tiring of the weight and darkness of despair, grief inducing emotions and all that it triggers within one's core, outweighed the despair and depression itself. 

The women of the "Coffee Club" at the rink are ever supportive and encouraging of me, never judgmental that I hadn't been consistent in skating as they saw my zest to skate disappear and I didn't skate for long periods of time.  Returning to the ice was more frustration than fun and I felt like an "eternal beginner".  More huge life lessons here, "allowing myself to have fun rather than be driven to accomplish, accept where I am in the present moment and be patient with my process."  In other words, CUT MYSELF SOME SLACK!

Allowing oneself to live what one has always dreamed of doing, be it figure skating, playing an instrument, writing a book, becoming a doctor, painter or ANYTHING.....after the children are raised, one is at that door of deciding to "feel like it's too late" or "it's now or never" - and do I want to live with regrets of not having given my dreams a chance to become my reality?  My desire to not have regrets has now outweighed my depression and grief.  Not out of the dark woods of that grieving phase after the death of a lifelong friend, at least now I get more glimpses of light through the darkness than the previous immersion in the darkness that was my reality. When I got to the point of preferring to die than to live, the turning point came.  Suicide was not an option, not a curse I would leave as the legacy to my children and grandchildren, but I didn't want to live either, so I sought help.  

I didn't have supportive partners, husbands or parents, but when I go within and attune with my heart and spirit, there lies the encouragement of the Divine Source that connects us all....and the wonderful friends that are in the "Coffee Club" skating group!  Just yesterday, one friend there told me about Connie Curry, so I post below, her story.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Quote from former Imperator of the Rosicrucian Order

"True humility is not a sign of passivity. It is not a submission to the forces that oppose the essential needs of life, of self. Neither is humility an indication of personal weakness. The humble person realizes that there is no singleness to life. We are not isolated beings any more than a healthy cell is in a multicellular organism. Intelligent restraint so evident in humbleness is recognition of that Greater Self that must be served. 

This Greater Self is not an abstract, esoteric concept, or, a mere ideal. If humanity is a living social organism, then each human is a cell in that organism, the Greater Self. 

Aggression exercised solely for the needs of the Individual Self is a malignancy that can destroy the totality upon which all humanity depends. No aggression can advance us so far personally that we no longer need that sympathy and compassion which humility engenders." 

Ralph M. Lewis

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Eckhart tolle - New born

Interestingly, this 'other half' that Eckhart refers to I had a more familiar association with since being a child.  I remember being more in tune with that part and the day I discovered my hands and the concept of "I" - that to me seemed quite foreign and this 'other half' was amazed at these earthly identification concepts.  

These videos presented by Eckhart tolle TV are amazing.  His delivery

of this information is very relaxing and 'absorbable' ~ I would highly recommend them if you are in the process of a 'shift' or an intensely difficult time either with your self, others, exterior events or any combination thereof.  

May you all be blessed at this time of accelerated energy embracing all humanity right now.  Awakening and the intent to walk the path of awakening is very challenging.  It indeed is easier to stay asleep with earthly, societal distractions, following the illusion of 'security'.  But sooner or later, awakening is going to be the focus.